MRI confirms: Smith an asshole

Wednesday, July 13th, 2011 - 9:55 am PDT

The results of an MRI this week have confirmed what doctors, friends, and associates have long suspected: The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is an asshole. “Note these blurry sections of the images here, here, and here,” said Dr. Wallace Ingraham, explaining his findings. “Smith would simply not hold still during the scan, and responded to prompts to do so with childish retorts like ‘No, you hold still!’” Technicians present during the scan agreed: “He kept making fart noises while the machine was running, and then laughing hysterically.” Smith’s friends, many of who have recently started families of their own, observed that Smith has grown increasingly curmudgeonly with age, and is often downright mean. “I asked if he wanted to see wanted to see photos of my kids,” said longtime friend Kerry Dorman, and he was like, ‘Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, hells no!’ What an asshole!”