Archive for July, 2011

Horrific terrorist attack shows liberals the light

Tuesday, July 26th, 2011

The actions of right-wing extremist Anders Breivik this past Friday, in which he  dressed as a policeman and ruthlessly gunned down more than a hundred and fifty defenseless teenagers at a summer camp, has opened the eyes of liberal westerners around the globe to the merits of conservatism. “I used to think multiculturalism and tolerance were virtues,” said Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg, “but this gruesome mass murder of innocents has been a real wake-up call. I see now that liberalism must be stopped.” European leaders are gathering in the wake of the attacks to discuss how the views laid out in Breivik’s 1,500 page manifesto can be most quickly implemented, including the violent annihilation of Islam, Marxism, and multiculturalism. Noting the success of Breivik’s tactics, many ultra-conservatives in the US are reportedly considering suffocating babies and strangling puppies in a further effort to show liberals the error of their ways.

Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Esau

Saturday, July 23rd, 2011

One of the best things about Bible stories is that they remind us to teach our kids the moral values that we might not think to teach them otherwise. Take for example: racial intolerance, deception, and favoritism. The four new stories added to the Genesis section of the Brick Testament website today begin with the patriarch Abraham aghast at the idea of his son Isaac marrying anyone of the Canaanite race. We move on to Isaac deceiving foreigners about his wife. Then Isaac and Rebekah bear twins, and each favors one twin more than the other, culminating in Rebekah and Jacob using lies and deception to fool blind, elderly Isaac and screw over Esau. These are not merely the upstanding (if seldom taught) moral actions of the people God chose to bless above all others, but those practiced by God himself.  So parents, teach your children well.

MRI confirms: Smith an asshole

Wednesday, July 13th, 2011

The results of an MRI this week have confirmed what doctors, friends, and associates have long suspected: The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is an asshole. “Note these blurry sections of the images here, here, and here,” said Dr. Wallace Ingraham, explaining his findings. “Smith would simply not hold still during the scan, and responded to prompts to do so with childish retorts like ‘No, you hold still!’” Technicians present during the scan agreed: “He kept making fart noises while the machine was running, and then laughing hysterically.” Smith’s friends, many of who have recently started families of their own, observed that Smith has grown increasingly curmudgeonly with age, and is often downright mean. “I asked if he wanted to see wanted to see photos of my kids,” said longtime friend Kerry Dorman, and he was like, ‘Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, hells no!’ What an asshole!”