When The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was found to be pregnant, his girlfriend Lila, being a righteous woman and not wanting to disgrace him, had planned to quietly leave him. But as she considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to her in a dream and said, “Do not be afraid to take Brendan as your husband, for the child who has been conceived in him is of the Holy Spirit. He will bear a daughter and you shall name her Anna, for she will bring people favor and grace.” As of press time, Lila was still strongly considering dumping Smith.
Archive for May, 2009
A superior court judge has ruled that Rev. Smith’s practice of taking regular early morning fitness walks flies in the face of what our forefathers had in mind when they framed the guiding principles of our nation’s laws. “By waking up at the crack of dawn and taking a brisk walk through the hillside woods behind your home, Mr. Smith,” said judge Emmanuel Obermauer, “you are making a mockery of everything good and decent in our society’s moral underpinnings.” The judge then sentenced Smith to seventy-two minutes of community service, and added: “Next time wear some clothes, you pervert.”
Throughout the the Old Testament, the figure of Satan receives nary a mention. It is almost as if the whole idea of a powerful archnemesis of God was foreign concept to Judaism until after most or all of the Hebrew Bible had been written. The New Testament, on the other hand, takes Satan completely for granted, never bothering to explain how or why the whole realm of earth has been granted to him. We learn the most about Satan from the book of Revelation where God props him up as enemy, has him deceive the world into worshipping him, only to war against him, and condemn all his worshippers to eternal torture. In our latest set of five new illustrated stories, Satan is cast to Earth and is, ironically enough, received as something of a “godsend” by the surviving population who have endured (and will continue to endure or succumb to) wave after wave of the most gruesome torments from God and his angels.
With his recent nights spent losing sleep over his unexpected pregnancy, Rev. Smith has come to realize he’s in trouble, deep. His friends have repeatedly advised him to give it up, saying he’s too young, he ought to live it up. Smith also approached his father, explaining that what he need right now is some good advice, and beseeching him not to preach. Smith says he was still “in an awful mess” until last night while shopping at the local grocery store, he heard a diembodied voice speaking to him set against a moderate tempo 80s dance beat. In a moment of epiphany, Smith made up his mind. “I’m keeping my baby,” said Smith. “I know I’m gonna keep my baby. Mmmm. Ooooooh.”