Rev. Smith stopped by a local Planned Parenthood clinic today to help sort through his feelings about being pregnant and to get more information about his options. “It’s not that I don’t want to be a father,” Smith explained to a clinic counselor, “but I was raped, and I don’t even know by who.” Smith broke down in tears and added, “I don’t want to have some psycho’s child.” With Smith in his fifth week of pregnancy, the counselor explained that the Abortion Pill is still an option, although she admitted there was not currently enough data to know “whether it works on guys.” Smith vowed to give the matter much serious thought in the upcoming days, and then stopped off on the way home for some chocolate ice cream and pickles.
Archive for April, 2009
There’s a popular notion that the Bible gives us two starkly different portrayals of God. There’s the Old Testament God who often directly intervenes in human affairs to bestow favor on particular races, drown people, kill babies, command genocide, or torture people with snakes, and then there’s the New Testament God who seems remote and aloof, and whose son espouses a surprisingly loving, forgiving ethic. But those who read the New Testament carefully know that Jesus drops more than a few hints that God has hardly lost his appetite for destruction, and is instead saving it up for one final gory feast. The Old Testament God, Yahweh, returns to form in the Bible’s final book, Revelation, and in today’s four new illustrated stories we begin to see what sort of plan for humanity ol’ Yahweh has been scheming up during his “quiet years”.
In what medical experts are calling “a miracle”, it appears that The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is the first known male human to become pregnant. Smith was first taken to the hospital yesterday morning after suffering through days of nausea and vomiting. A standard blood test proved to have shocking results when Smith tested positive for the pregnancy hormone, human chorionic gonadotropin. An ultrasound later confirmed the early presence of a yolk sac. Although doctors have flown in from around the country and are excited to study this medical phenomenon, Rev. Smith does not share their enthusiasm. “This shouldn’t be happening!” a near-hysterical Smith was heard to say before revealing to doctors yet another twist to this odd story: “I was raped!”
After Job last November, it was announced that Smith would next be turning his attention to the book of Revelation. “When?” he was asked. “Very soon,” he replied. But when weeks with no website updates stretched into endless long months, many began to despair. Some thought this generation would taste death before it ever came to pass. A select few, however, remained faithful and ever-vigilant, knowing that Smith illustrates like a thief in the night! And now: Behold! Just in time for Easter, it’s the first four illustrated stories from that book of The Bible that has been stretching the meaning of the words “very soon” for nearly 2,000 years.