Archive for January, 2009

US gov’t inspires citizens to keep spending

Friday, January 30th, 2009

Already a record $10 trillion in debt, the US government is poised to spend another $800 billion it doesn’t have in an effort to stimulate the failing economy.  This bold fiscal policy is proving inspirational to tens of millions of US citizens whose unsustainable spending habits have caused them to fall deeply into debt, many of whom have also recently lost their jobs, their health insurance, and their homes.  Jacob Collins of Fort Wayne, IN, who has racked up $38,000 in credit card debt says, “I’d been thinking I should go on a spending freeze until I find a new job, but now I’m thinking a new 52-inch Sony HDTV might be a good stimulator.”

Obama fucks Laura Bush on White House roof

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

Incoming US president Barack Obama infused religion into his inauguration ceremony today, with evangelical pastor Rick Warren delivering an invocation, Methodist minister Joseph Lowery delivering a benediction, Obama himself quoting scripture in his inaugural address, placing his hand on a Bible as he was sworn into office, then having sex with outgoing First Lady Laura Bush on the roof of the White House in full public view.  This last and oldest tradition dates back to the peaceful transfer of power from King David to his son Absalom approximately 3,000 years ago. It was last performed by an incoming US president when Lyndon B. Johnson secured his presidency by having sex atop the White House roof with Jill Cowen, Florence Pritchett, Mimi Beardsley, Priscilla Wear, Pamela Turnure, Judith Campbell, Ellen Rometsch, Inga Arvad, Mary Pinchot Meyer, Suzy Chang, Maria Novotny, Marilyn Monroe, and Jacqueline Kennedy.

More crotchety

Friday, January 2nd, 2009

Two days into the new year, Rev. Smith is making good on his New Year’s resolution to “be more crotchety.”  On Tuesday, Smith could be heard complaining loudly of his inability to “place a simple goddamn phone call” on his nephew’s iPhone, and later in the evening was seen delivering a seven minute speech  to no one in particular about the prevalence of “foul language and general smut” on prime time television.  This morning Smith has made plans to sit on a lawn chair on his front porch, waiting for neighborhood kids to wander onto his lawn so he can scream at them.