Archive for December, 2008

Smith gets two front teeth for Christmas

Thursday, December 25th, 2008

This morning, a groggy Rev. Brendan Powell Smith awoke on the floor to find that a single tiny gift had been left under his Christmas tree.  Peeling away the wrapping and opening the lid on a velvet-covered ring box revealed a pair of human upper incisor teeth.  “It took me a moment to recognize them as my own,” stated Smith, “and to remember how the  annual Christmas vs. Hanukkah party got a little out of hand last night.”  Smith slowly reached up and felt his still-swollen and bruised upper lip, tasted the dried blood covering the front of his mouth, and smiled slightly before passing out again from the pain.

Sexual favors

Saturday, December 13th, 2008

Showing off a newfound sense of generosity, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith this week granted a number of sexual favors to both friends and strangers. “If there’s something you need,” one of Smith’s recent acquaintances was quoted as saying, “you shouldn’t be afraid to ask Brendan.” Smith’s actions come after a period of intense soul searching. “We all must look inside ourselves to ask what we can offer others. I realize now that I have so much to give,” remarked Smith, “so much to give.”

God sends Smith check for $50

Thursday, December 4th, 2008

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today found a check in the mail for $50. It was from God. “I’m not sure why the almighty Lord has chosen to send me this money,” said Smith. “I assume it must be somehow important, being that it’s from God. Maybe it’s meant as a sign or a message, like ‘Keep up the good work, Brendan’. But then again, maybe He sent it to me as a test. God is tricky like that.” Written in the memo area of the check was but a single cryptic word: “Enjoy.” “That could mean anything,” noted Smith. Later in the day, Smith deposited the check into his Bank of America savings account. It is expected to clear in 7 to 21 days.