Archive for May, 2008

The Ark of the Covenant: now available!

Friday, May 30th, 2008

Fun fact: The most recent set of King Solomon stories on The Brick Testament included the last time the Ark of the Covenant is mentioned in the Bible. To commemorate this end of an era, The Brick Testament is pleased to announce a brand new custom set available today: The Ark of the Covenant. It’s an exact piece-for-piece replica of the intricate, detailed, and innovative design The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith created for the stories of The Brick Testament. This first edition is limited to 50 sets, each with a certificate of authenticity signed by the artist. Get yours today!

Is America ready for its first zombie president?

Saturday, May 24th, 2008

It’s 3 AM in the White House and President John McCain picks up the phone. He dials Moscow and tells Vladimir Putin what he really thinks of him. Hours later McCain wakes up and remembers nothing, but it’s too late: the missiles are already on the way. Could it happen? This weekend’s release of John McCain’s medical records show that he is a user of the drug Zombien, infamous for its not-so-uncommon side effect of putting its users into temporary amnesiac sleep-walking states during which they go on eating binges, drive their cars until they crash into stationary objects, or make phone calls they later seriously regret.

Correction #1: The correct name for the drug mentioned in the above article is Ambien and not Zombien as was reported.

Correction #2: American’s first zombie president was, in fact, Martin Van Buren.

Smith goes deep undercover

Thursday, May 15th, 2008

In a daring effort to help unravel the mysteries of contemporary American society, Rev. Smith is going deep undercover. Having grown out his mustache, shaved his head, and donned a toupée, Smith will go by the alias McDrummond Eleanor Gummersal as he attempts to infiltrate mainstream America, ingratiate himself with actual Americans, learn what he can, and then make it out alive. “It isn’t going to be easy,” admitted Smith with a grimace, as he donned his cowboy boots and cut-off jeans, “but the price of progress is eternal sacrifice.”

The Brick Testament: The Temple of Yahweh

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008

Though it more commonly goes by the name of “Solomon’s Temple” or “The First Temple”, the true name of the most famous building endeavor from the reign of King Solomon is The Temple of Yahweh. And in this week’s update of The Brick Testament, the world can finally behold this sacred ancient monument in perhaps its most beautiful form, rendered entirely out of LEGO bricks. While Solomon spent seven years constructing this house for God, he spent nearly twice as long on a fancy-shmancy house for himself. Finally, at the end of this building spree, Yahweh himself appears to Solomon to give him a friendly reminder that if he or his descendants ever fail to follow The Law or worship any other god, he’ll eradicate Israel.

Smith has new lease on life

Monday, May 5th, 2008

This week, Rev. Smith negotiated a new 10-year lease on life. Under the terms of the agreement, Smith will pay monthly fees of $417, a number derived by taking the Capitalized Cost (the value of Smith’s life today) and subtracting the Residual Value (the estimated remaing value of Smith’s life ten years from now), then multiplying it by an Annual Percentage Rate of 4.3%, and dividing by the 120 months covered under the terms of the lease. At the end of the lease period, Smith will have the option to buy his life at its depreciated value. Should he subject himself to excess wear and tear, or terminate his lease before the end of the 10-year period, Smith will face additional fees.