Archive for April, 2008

Americans carrying around bags of feces

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

In an alarming and disturbing trend, many American suburbanites and city-dwellers have taken to walking around their own neighborhoods carrying bags of feces. Though experts observers have yet to determine the signifigance of or reasoning behind what has now become a daily ritual for millions of Americans, some common threads have been noted among the feces transporters: They are most likely to perform their ritual in the early morning or just after returning from work. They do not exit their homes with the feces, but instead seek out and then place into bags fresh feces found outdoors. Many are so protective of their feces that they keep a dog at their side for protection.

The Brick Testament: Solomon Gets Wise

Saturday, April 26th, 2008

A new section of The Brick Testament launches today, covering the stories of King Solomon. Our first set of stories finds the newly-crowned king tying up some loose ends left unfinished during the reign of his father David, and by “tying up loose ends” I mean carrying out a series of strategic murders and vengeance killings. Next we discover that the whole slavery / Ten Plagues thing is apparently all water under the bridge as Solomon marries the daughter of the Pharaoh of Egypt, then heads up to Gibeon to sacrifice 1,000 animals and afterwards gets blessed by Yahweh with great wisdom. It’s not long before Solomon’s awe-inspiring wisdom is put on display, and word-of-mouth brings folks from around the world to Jerusalem just to hear him speak.

The Brick Testament: David’s Psalm of Victory

Friday, April 11th, 2008

The Brick Testament celebrates its 350th illustrated Bible story this week with the addition of an illustrated psalm that brings the King David section of the website to a fittingly dramatic conclusion. Certainly David is about the mainest of main characters in The Bible. His name appears 895 times–second only to Jesus (942 times) and Yahweh himself (5,787 times)–and the telling of his long, remarkable career stretches across four books. Hope you’ve enjoyed The Brick Testament’s visualization of that life, as David journeyed from precocious decapitator, to corpse foreskin collector, to slaughterer of women and children, to royal polygamist, to ethnic cleanser, to ineffectual father, and finally to enfeebled old man.

Smith conceives first child

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008

Rev. Smith spent the better part of this past weekend conceiving his first child. He began by jotting down on a whiteboard all the qualities he is looking for in an offspring. He made several charts and graphs detailing the cost analysis and performance attributes of proposed features before commissioning a scale model to be built. After several painstaking revisions, Smith finalized his proposal, rehearsed a keynote speech, and then gave a three hour Power Point presentation in front of his longtime girlfriend who, at its conclusion, immediately dumped his ass cold.

Hillary Clinton turns heel

Friday, April 4th, 2008

After months of barely maintaining her image as a likeable “babyface” presidential candidate, Sen. Hillary Clinton showed her true colors at last night’s presidential debate, delivering a devastating low-blow to her opponent Barack Obama while the moderator was distracted, then launching herself backward off the top of her podium to finish him off with a signature “Clin-ton Bomb”. Clinton then declared herself “the most dominant force in the history of US politics.” Turning her attention to the war in Iraq, Clinton said she can “no longer supports the troops, because they’ve had five years and it’s obvious they just can’t get the job done.” After testily telling the booing audience to “shut up”, Clinton gratuitously insulted the 76ers and the Phillies before dropping a final knee into the midsection of Obama and walking off stage. Before the debate ended, DNC chair Howard Dean announced that Clinton would be forced to partner with arch rival Obama against grizzled veteran John McCain in a two-on-one handicap match at the Democratic National Convention in August.