Smith has mange

Sunday, March 9th, 2008 - 2:10 pm PDT

After weeks of incessant itching leading to hair loss, doctors today diagnosed Rev. Smith with with mange, or sarcoptes scabei (seen here in this 1,000,000X magnified view). After being fitted with a cone collar to deter him from scratching his own head or gnawing at other body parts, Smith was heard to complain, “With this thing on, I can’t see! How am I supposed to go about my daily life?” Doctors reminded Smith that his eyes “can deceive [him]“, cautioned him not to trust them, and advised that he “stretch out with [his] feelings.”