Masturbation equally effective as prayer

Thursday, October 4th, 2007 - 10:49 am PDT

A new study released today finds that masturbation is as equally effective as prayer at bringing about particular states of affairs. Conducted over the course of five years, the study included 10,000 participants, half of whom were instructed to pray nightly before going to bed and to avoid masturbation, the other half to masturbate nightly before going to bed and avoid prayer. The results show that each ritual was exactly equally effective in bringing about the states of affairs passionately hoped for by the individual participants, whether it was winning at a sports contest, recovery of a loved one from illness, or an increase in world peace.