Archive for October, 2007

Smith wears scariest Halloween costume of all

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

At a gala New York City Halloween costume ball packed with boisterous revelers decked out in the most outlandishly lavish and grotesquely bizarre holiday ensembles, from a chainsaw-wielding ten-foot Martian vampire to a radioactive decapitated Papa Smurf, Rev. Smith yet managed to shock and disturb even the most jaded horror movie junkies in attendance by wearing what was widely recognized to be the single scariest Halloween costume of them all: man.

Child molester considering career as priest

Monday, October 22nd, 2007

Area gay child molester Donald Stevens, 29, announced today that he is seriously considering a career as a Catholic priest. Though raised a Methodist, Stevens says, “everything I’ve read about the Catholic church convinces me it would be a better fit.” Stevens believes the church’s close-knit male hierarchy will provide the structure he needs and will allow him to feel, in his words, “protected”. Though Stevens does not look forward to the four years of Catholic seminary ahead of him, surrounded by peers his own age, he believes it is a relatively small price to pay for a lifetime of being considered a trusted member of the community around whom “parents would feel safe leaving their little boys.”

Crazed Romney runs over Sen. Craig with bus

Monday, October 15th, 2007

Republican candidate for president Mitt Romney surrendered to police today after details became public about a bizarre recent incident in which an enraged Romney used his campaign tour bus to run over one-time political ally Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. “[Romney] threw me under his campaign bus,” stated Sen. Craig. “He not only threw me under his campaign bus, he backed up and ran over me again.” Though Romney is expected to plead guilty to attempted homicide, he is also expected to later take back that plea, and then to defy his fellow Republicans’ recommendation that he drop out of the 2008 presidential race.

Masturbation equally effective as prayer

Thursday, October 4th, 2007

A new study released today finds that masturbation is as equally effective as prayer at bringing about particular states of affairs. Conducted over the course of five years, the study included 10,000 participants, half of whom were instructed to pray nightly before going to bed and to avoid masturbation, the other half to masturbate nightly before going to bed and avoid prayer. The results show that each ritual was exactly equally effective in bringing about the states of affairs passionately hoped for by the individual participants, whether it was winning at a sports contest, recovery of a loved one from illness, or an increase in world peace.