Archive for January, 2007

Alberto Gonzales imprisoned without charges

Monday, January 29th, 2007

US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has been imprisoned with no charges brought against him and is being indefinitely detained at an undisclosed location in Eastern Europe. A panicked Gonzales was forcibly removed from his home Sunday night by government agents after a week of warrantless phone surveillance provided evidence against him that cannot be shown in court. White House press secretary Tony Snow would not comment on the reasons for Gonzales’s imprisonment, but guaranteed that his treatment would fall within the guidelines of the Geneva Conventions as interpreted by President Bush.

Smith becomes crumbsweep

Monday, January 22nd, 2007

To help support his increasingly expensive addiction to LEGO, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is starting a part time job today as a crumbsweep at a local fancy restaurant. “I’m the guy that comes around after you’ve eaten the entrées, but before you get the dessert menu,” explained Smith. “I have a long flat metal utensil that I use to sweep all the crumbs off the table.” Smith will be earning $2.95 per hour plus tips at his new job. Added Smith: “nobody tips the crumbsweep.”

Bush to throw 21,000 more logs onto fire

Sunday, January 14th, 2007

Telling his wife Laura that he “still feels sort of cold”, US President George W. Bush made plans today for another 21,000 logs to be thrown onto the fire burning at the White House since Spring of 2003. Though many have expressed worry that the blaze has long been burning out of control and causing irreparable damage to the entire surrounding area, Bush characterized himself as an optimist for believing that this surge of fresh combustible material will finally bring the situation under control.

Dems urge republicans to come out of closet

Friday, January 5th, 2007

Taking control of Congress this week, Democrats struck a chord of openness and bipartisan friendship by inviting republicans to come out of the closet. “It’s OK,” urged new House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in a soothing tone, “We’re not in middle school anymore. You don’t have to pretend to be anti-gay to be accepted by your peers.” One freshman republican congressman appeared happy to take opportunity to out himself, but was reportedly later castigated by his fellow party members and had his lunch money stolen. Republican leadership has also announced plans to draft a constitutional amendment banning homosexuality.