Archive for November, 2006

Saul about the Benjaminites

Tuesday, November 21st, 2006

The Brick Testament’s illustration of the book of 1 Samuel marches forward today with the addition of five new stories to the King Saul section of the website. Tag along with young Saul as he quests for his father’s lost donkeys, but quickly finds himself doused in oil, kissed by a man, driven into a frenzy, and chosen by lottery as king of the Israelites. Oh, and did I mention that a bunch of people get their right eyes gouged out? Good times.

Made up statistics 120% more likely to be right

Saturday, November 18th, 2006

In a surprising new study, researchers at Boston University’s School of Statisticology have found that made-up statistics turn out to be 120% more accurate than those arrived at through large-scale sampling, rigorous controls, and adherence to strict scientific methodologies. “Certainly we were amazed by the findings,” said lead researcher Ambrose Fukijama, “but once we arrived at them, it was clear we should simply throw them out and make up new ones.” Fukijama added he is confident in the accuracy of the findings because they are strongly supported by the findings themselves.

The Santorums are coming to FOX TV

Thursday, November 16th, 2006

The recently voted-out-of-office Senator Rick Santorum will stay in the public spotlight as he and his family star in the new reality TV series The Santorums, coming to FOX TV in summer of 2007. Santorum, who will remain in the number-three party leadership position in the Senate until January 3, is a proponent of Intelligent Design being taught in public schools, considers evolution by natural selection to be a controversial theory, believes homosexuals who “act upon their orientation” destroy healthy families, and that US citizens have no right to privacy concerning consensual sex acts between adults.

Smith turns frown upside down

Saturday, November 11th, 2006

After battling months of crippling depression, Rev. Smith finally took the advice of well-meaning friends this week and turned his frown upside down. Smith’s doctor reports that the three hour surgical procedure went smoothly, and that once the bandages are off, Smith will have the superficial appearance of beaming at the outside world, despite his inward extremes of melancholy. Doctors cautioned Smith that if he ever comes out of his depression and starts smiling again, his facial expression will be registered by most as a deep and bitter scowl.

Two heartbeats away from first female president

Thursday, November 9th, 2006

With Nancy Pelosi set to become Speaker of the House come January 3, 2007, the United States of America will be just “two heartbeats away” from its first female president. “If Bush were to choke on a pretzel and Cheney to have a hunting accident on the very same day, we could be looking at President Pelosi,” said one political analyst. Though females make up a majority of the American population, in its 230 year history the country has never been represented by a female president or vice-president.

Take my ark… please!

Sunday, November 5th, 2006

Three new illustrated stories have been added today to The Brick Testament website’s King Saul section. Come watch as the Philistines play “hot potato” with the ark of the covenant, shuttling it from city to city, watching their friends and loved ones die of horrible tumors along the way. Stick around to briefly rejoice with the Israelites as the ark is returned, and then weep mournfully as God lashes out and kills 50,000 of them.