Archive for September, 2006

Bush furious over latest intelligence leak

Friday, September 29th, 2006

President Bush reacted strongly today to the leak of a classified US intelligence committee’s finding that president Bush is a total fucking idiot. “Someone has taken it upon themselves to leak this highly classified information,” said a visibly angered Bush. “This was a cowardly and treasonous act. Making public sensitive information of this kind can only cause panic and embolden our enemies.” Bush went on to announce a criminal investigation into the leak, vowing to swiftly punish whoever was responsible unless it turns out to have been Karl Rove or Dick Cheney.

Tony Danza rolling in his grave

Wednesday, September 20th, 2006

The deceased corpse of beloved character actor Tony Danza is reportedly rolling in its grave this week, upon learning that the role of Tony Danza in the upcoming ABC made-for-TV movie The Tony Danza Story will be played by a computer-generated actor that will be voiced by sounds clips of Tony Danza taken from various episodes of Taxi, Who’s the Boss?, and the 1989 movie She’s Out of Control. While Danza’s angered and partially-decomposed corpse remains buried here on Earth, his everlasting soul is looking kindly down on us all from heaven.

Smith to enter WWE as wrestler ‘Stinkface’

Tuesday, September 12th, 2006

Rev. Smith announced today that he has signed a multi-year contract with World Wrestling Entertainment to compete under the name ‘Stinkface’ starting in 2008. Smith says he submitted the idea for the character to WWE chairman Vince McMahon earlier this year, and it met with almost instant approval. According to the proposal, Stinkface will enter the ring wearing an enormously enlarged prosthetic ass, and his signature move, perhaps unsurprisingly, will be the stinkface, in which one wrestler smothers his buttocks into the face of his (usually incapacitated) opponent. Smith will spend the coming year before his debut bulking up his body to WWE standards using a wide variety of powerful steroids.