Archive for August, 2006

“Z” stripped of letter status

Wednesday, August 30th, 2006

Leading orthographers declared this week that “Z” is no longer a letter under new guidelines that downsize the English alphabet from twenty-six letters to twenty-five. Meeting in Prague, a week of tumultuous debate preceded the decision by the prestigious International Orthographical Union that stripped “Z” of the letter status it has enjoyed since its discovery in 1930, reclassifying it as merely a “dwarf letter”. The new stricter guidlines were chosen in favor of a more inclusive proposal that would have granted full letter status to several other lesser symbols used in English writing such as “&”, “$”, “#”, and “¢”.

Hell is for children

Thursday, August 17th, 2006

Pope Benedict XVI sent shock waves through the church today upon issuing Averno De Pueros Est, a new papal encyclical that breaks with long-standing Catholic tradition in boldly declaring that “hell is for children”. The relatively brief document makes allusions to the horrors of child abuse before ending with the cryptic words: “Hell. Hell is for hell. Hell is for hell. Hell is for hell. Hell is for children.” Sources close to the pope believe he will next turn his attention to another encyclical tentatively titled Caritas Campo Est or “Love Is a Battlefield”.

Smith renewed for another season

Tuesday, August 8th, 2006

Fans of The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith were delighted today to learn that Smith has officially been renewed for the Fall 2006 / Winter 2007 season. A contract has been signed to produce twenty-four new week-long episodes of Smith before he once again goes into to reruns for the summer. Smith’s popularity has remained steady in recent years despite ever increasing competition from the Earth’s other 6.5 billion people. Though his ratings peaked in the late 90s, Smith expects to last a few more years before an all-too-precious child character is forcibly added to his cast in a desperate attempt to maintain viewer interest.