President Bush announced today that he has chosen Osama Bin Laden as his new Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. Bush appeared surprised by the immediate icy reaction to his announcement even among members of his own political party, and assured Americans that Mr. Bin Laden is a “terrorism expert”, further noting that there has been a long and friendly relationship between the Bush and Bin Laden families. “I trust him,” said Bush, “I think he’s going to make a heck of a Homeland Security chief.” Though congressional democrats have expressed grave concern over Bush’s choice, they say will likely do nothing about it. Said Sen. John Kerry: “You’ve got to pick your battles.”
Archive for February, 2006
Having been asked for the umpteenth if he could spare a little change for some food, Rev. Smith finally broke down and gave the hobo on the corner of 24th and Elm a knuckle sandwich. Stunned onlookers gawked until Smith loudly asked if anyone else wanted some. They then quickly dispersed and went about their business. Smith later admitted to feeling a twang of guilt about the incident. “That knuckle sandwich had been meant for my girlfriend,” he said. Smith went home and made her a salad of deep despair instead.
Could there be anything more romantic than snuggling up with the one you love, dimming the lights, and checking out nine new stories added to the Brick Testament website? These new stories kick off a revamp of the New Testament side of the site, with some older stores redone and new stories added. Enjoy, and remember, even if you’re alone this Valentine’s Day, you’re not really alone. Jesus is there. And also remember that if you’re having a sexy romantic evening with your lover, Jesus is also there. But he’s covering his eyes during the nasty parts.
Violent rioting broke out again today prompted by the decision of 2,570 newspapers worldwide to continue running the painfully unfunny daily comic strip Garfield. Though the public has quietly suffered the presence of the comic strip since 1978, matters came to a head this week when groups of fanatical Garfield detractors banded together to protest the printing of the strip’s 10,000th daily comic. Police were forced to resort to violent measures today, fatally wounding four protesters as they attempted to firebomb the Muncie, IN, home of Garfield creator Jim Davis. Two others died last night after setting themselves ablaze on Davis’s front lawn.
Dying soon? You may want to hold off on that plan because expert theologians are reporting that heaven is full. No matter how virtuous their lives on Earth, those perishing today will be forced to make other accommodations for eternity. And you can’t count on staying in Limbo either. In fact, it was Pope Benedict XVI’s recent decision to alter Catholic doctrine to eliminate belief in Limbo which caused heaven to become suddenly and unexpectedly inundated with all those who died before Jesus brought salvation into the world, plus all the babies who lived after Jesus, but died before receiving baptism. Angels are reportedly working round the clock to add a new wing to heaven to accommodate the faithful. The expected completion date is 2017.