Archive for January, 2006

Wendy’s: I’d hit that™

Monday, January 30th, 2006

To combat slumping sales since last year’s severed finger chili incident, the Wendy’s corporation contracted the services of Rev. Smith to come up with a bold new advertising slogan. The result: a $220 million ad campaign whose flagship 30-second TV spot is set to debut during this weekend’s Superbowl XL. In it, hip-looking twenty-somethings of various ethnicities are seen perusing the menu at a Wendy’s restaurant. In turn, each of them reads off a menu item, such as “Classic Triple with Cheese?” and then adds “I’d hit that.” The ad ends in silence with the familiar Wendy’s logo, and beneath it the trademarked catchphrase: I’d hit that™.

War on Terror finally over

Saturday, January 21st, 2006

With America’s acceptance of the truce offered by arch-nemesis Osama Bin Laden, the long fought War on Terror officially ended today. The terms of the truce, deemed acceptable to both sides, involve the US bringing home all of its overseas military personnel from the Middle East, and a complete cessation of all Islamic fundametalist terrorist attacks worldwide. Americans celebrated the end of the war by scraping yellow ribbon bumper stickers off their SUVs and by keeping their shoes on as they passed though airport metal detectors. For the first time since its inception, the US Department of Homeland Secuirty’s advisory system has been set to bright green for “Totally Safe”.

Smith diagnosed with jimmy leg

Friday, January 13th, 2006

After another night of having her sleep rudely interrupted by the spasmodic jigglings of her partner’s leg, Rev. Smith’s girlfriend forced him to go to the hospital last night where, after a battery of x-rays, blood tests, urine and fecal samples, doctors diagnosed Smith with a condition known as jimmy leg. “There is no known cure for jimmy leg,” said Smith, reading from a pamphlet given to him by a nurse on his way out of the hospital, “but it’s symptoms can be reduced by cutting back on the amount of caffeine consumed just before bedtime.” Added Smith: “Hunh.”

Twelve trapped coal miners denied miracle

Wednesday, January 4th, 2006

Only a miracle from God could have saved the lives of 12 coal miners trapped deep inside a West Virginia mine after an explosion on Monday. For 42 hours, friends and family gathered to pray to God for such a miracle, and for a brief moment, due to what was apprently a miscommunication, it was thought that God had indeed chosen to save the 12 miners. Alas, that turned out not to be the case. It is now believed that only a miracle from God could bring the 12 coal miners back from the dead. Friends and family of the victims have gathered to pray for such a miracle.