Archive for November, 2005

A Thanksgiving with the Indians

Thursday, November 24th, 2005

Three hundred and eighty-four years ago, William Bradford celebrated a feast with his fellow pilgrims and the Massasoit Indians. This year, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith carried on his ancestor’s tradition by sharing a holiday feast with a different set of Indians located on the opposite side of the globe. And while the menu was a bit nontraditional (his hosts thought “turkey” was a prepared dish, not an animal), the sentiment of goodwill and thankful appreciation was very much the same. And following the meal, Rev. Smith enjoyed his traditional nap, face-down in a bowl of mashed-potatoes (though this year it was aloo gobi).

Smith quells rioting in France

Friday, November 11th, 2005

After two weeks of riots in France, Rev. Smith was flown to Paris today to hammer out a compromise between thousands of disaffected, unemployed, second-generation immigrant suburban youths and the French government, widely seen as discriminatory and anti-immigration. Smith’s proposal calls for a massive building project that will provide jobs for 200,000 unskilled and semiskilled laborers. That project is a massive 50-meter high wall around France which would deter further immigration. The French government was quick to accept the plan, with prime minister Villepin noting that a side benefit of such a wall would be to “repel a German invasion, should the occasion arise.”

America lacks fat rap star

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005

With oil prices soaring, the economy stagnant, and the country bogged down in a overseas war, now more than ever the times call for a fat rap star to take our minds off our problems so we can instead listen to the problems of a fat rap star set to tight beats. While the 1980s gave us The Fat Boys and Heavy D, and the early 90s produced Sir Mix-a-Lot and Bizmarkie, ever since the deaths of Notorious B.I.G. and Big Pun at the end of the millennium, America has gone without (even though some dope-ass rap names like “Ova-w8″ or “Obese” go unclaimed). While some think D12’s Bizarre may be the answer to our prayers, others are putting their hope in Dr Dre gaining another 50 pounds and releasing a comeback album, born again as a fat rapper.

Sexodus: Let my people come.

Thursday, November 3rd, 2005

Rev. Smith is working on a screenplay for a Bible-themed porn movie to be released in 2007 called Sexodus. The plot is what Smith has deemed “historical friction”. Set in an ancient Egypt with a rapidly multiplying slave population, Pharaoh Ramses has outlawed orgasms among the Hebrews, and put them into forced labor erecting massive black obelisks. When all hope seems lost, along come two men: Moses, who takes his commands from a burning bush, and Aaron, whose staff can work miracles. God himself steps into the fray, afflicting the Egyptians with ten STDs, and after penetrating the Red Sea, He celebrates victory by raining down manna from heaven for all the people to swallow.