Jesus’s death ruled a suicide

Wednesday, October 19th, 2005 - 4:04 pm PDT

After more than 2,000 years of investigation, the death of Jesus Christ has officially been ruled a suicide. The break in the case came when investigators were finally able to wrap their minds around the concept of the Trinity. When they realized that Jesus and God were one, it was a simple matter of deduction to determine that Jesus must have planned out his own death in advance, and that his crucifixion at the hands of local authorities was merely an ancient form of “suicide by cop“. The two previous main suspects in the case, the Romans and the Jews, have now been released and cleared of all charges.