Archive for July, 2005

The Brick Testament presents: Jephthah!

Saturday, July 23rd, 2005

The Brick Testament website continues its illustration of the biblical Book of Judges this week with the tale of Israel’s eighth judge, Jephthah. It’s the moving story of a societal outcast called upon to lead a violent massacre of a foreign nation whom God had sent to oppress his chosen people after turning His back on them. But bloody victory turns to bloody tragedy when after a foolishly worded vow, Jephthah finds himself murdering and immolating his only daughter as a sacrifice to the very God that had brought about Israel’s oppression. Amen.

Bush vows to fire whoever authorized Iraq war

Wednesday, July 20th, 2005

Now that it has become known that the US launched a war against Iraq under false pretenses, President Bush today vowed that he will fire whoever was responsible for authorizing that war. When asked by reporters if he was aware that he himself, as president and commander-in-chief of the United States military had authorized the war, Bush responded that there was, “a serious investigation into the matter under way,” and that he wants to know “all the facts before jumping to any conclusions”. After talking with his advisors, Bush later modified his statement to say that “if anyone has committed a crime by authorizing the war in Iraq, that person will no longer work for my administration.”

Fauxhawk declared “Mullet of the 00s”

Saturday, July 16th, 2005

The combed mohawk or “fauxhawk” hairstyle, has officially been recognized as “The Mullet of the 00s”. Much like the “business in the front, party in the back” mullet before it, the fauxhawk represents a partial submission to and partial flouting of societal norms, most commonly worn as a sort of half-assed symbolic rebellion against the powers that be. With ever-changing hipster culture currently retro-focused on the fashions of 1978-1983, it is expected that the mullet hairstyle itself will become repopularized as an ironically-appreciated fashion statement by fall of 2009.

London surrenders to terrorists

Sunday, July 10th, 2005

In light of Thursday’s stunning defeat, the United Kingdom today had little choice but to surrender control of their capital city to the terrorists. “This unfortunate, necessary measure does not indicate that they have broken our spirit,” announced Prime Minister Tony Blair from the government’s temporary headquarters in Birmingham. “We have lost this battle, but we will win this war.” As of 7pm GMT, terrorist forces had installed a high-ranking evildoer as provisional terrorist governor at 10 Downing Street.