Archive for May, 2005

Smith in training for Vancouver in 2010

Thursday, May 26th, 2005

The Winter Olympic games in Vancouver are five years off, but Rev. Smith began his training this week, hoping to be one of the athletes who will compete in that games’ non-medal demonstration sport of polar bear wrestling. “Polar Wrestling has a long and storied history,” explained Smith as he prepared to grapple with robotic training device. “The Yup’ik people of the Canadian arctic have been sparring against polar bears for thousands of years,” said Smith. “I guess you could say that this is a sport that’s in my blood. I’m one-sixteenth polar bear.”

Brick Testament - Israel’s first king: Abimelech

Wednesday, May 18th, 2005

The Brick Testament website continues its illustration of the Book of Judges this week with three new stories recounting the harrowing tale of Abimelech, the first king of Israel, plus a bonus story about Tola and Jair, the less- than-famous fifth and sixth judges of Israel. So if you’ve ever wondered just how God would react if you slaughtered sixty-nine of your half-brothers, or in what convoluted way a whole society would be punished for worshipping the wrong deity, these stories will most certainly contain some invaluable wisdom for you to consider.

Nation lowers expectations for new Star Wars film

Saturday, May 14th, 2005

In advance of the May 19th release of Revenge of the Sith, millions of Star Wars fans across the country are consciously lowering their expectations. “I am still recovering from the disappointment of The Phantom Menace,” said 36-year-old Dennis Voight. “I was able to lower my expectations a little for Attack of the Clones, but not nearly enough,” said Voight, “but this time will be different. I am fully prepared for this movie to be seriously flawed.” Like many of his peers, Voight is doing his best not to let the relatively positive early reviews of the film raise his expectations. “I will not allow myself to think that this film might capture a little bit of the magic of the original trilogy,” Voight explained, “cause that way, if it does, that will be so awesome!” Added Voight: “Shit, I can’t let myself get my hopes up like that.”

US to bring democracy to Saudi Arabia

Monday, May 9th, 2005

The United States announced plans today to invade Saudi Arabia. “Freedom is on the march,” said president Bush, “and the people of Saudi Arabia will welcome us as liberators when we remove from power the evil dictators King Fahd and Crown Prince Abdullah, who, I might add, have one of the worst human rights violation records on the books.” In drumming up public support for the upcoming war, Bush has gone so far as to link Saudi Arabia with the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the United States, pointing out that fifteen of the nineteen hijackers were from Saudi Arabia, and suggesting that Saudi Arabia may have possibly played some role in funding terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden.

Smith auditions for City Morgue

Monday, May 2nd, 2005

Rev. Smith is looking to expand his acting career, auditioning for a role in the cast of CBS’s City Morgue, which is currently under development. According to promotional material, the show “aims to capture the tense drama and action of working at a morgue in one of America’s largest cities”. Smith is up for the role of Derrick Johnson, a morgue assistant with a wry sense of humor and a mysterious past. Smith says that in trying out for the part, he will draw on his previous acting experiences in Vendetta: A Christmas Story, his brief role in the Sci-Fi channel’s Mansquito, as well as the real life experience of having had a summer job working the so-called “graveyard shift” as a morgue assistant in his hometown of Norwood, MA.