New pope to sell Vatican treasures, give to poor

Tuesday, April 19th, 2005 - 5:42 am PDT

On his first day as head of the Catholic church, Pope Benedict XVI shocked the world by announcing his intention to actually follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. “There is nothing more clear in the Bible than this,” the newly-elected pontiff said, “‘Sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor.’” Experts estimate that the pope’s possessions, which now include the Vatican’s vast wealth in the form of securities, gold reserves, real estate, and artistic treasures is likely to bring the world’s poor a financial windfall in the neighborhood of ten to fifteen billion dollars. “That’s money we could use,” said the world’s poor.