Tired after a long day of drunken debauchery, a woozy Rev. Smith got behind the wheel of his ‘78 AMC Gremlin, stepped on the gas pedal, and promptly fell asleep. Friends found him hours later, his head against the steering column, the car lodged in a ditch in the woods behind Smith’s house. “Good thing that car hasn’t run in, like, twenty years,” said a close friend, pulling Smith’s limp and drooling body out the missing passenger side door, “Why does he even keep this thing?” Smith was dragged back inside the house where he was administered coffee and french toast until he came back to his senses. “More coffee, please,” said Smith.
Archive for February, 2005
While flipping through the channels late last night, Rev. Smith became horrified after coming across a rerun of 80s sitcom Perfect Strangers and realizing that he remembered this episode. “Agh! This is awful,” said Smith, “it’s not like I even used to watch this show, and yet I actually recall from memory how this episode ends.” Smith paused for a moment to gather his thoughts and then continued. “Do you realize what this means? It means that a physical part of my brain is dedicated to remembering the plotline of this terrible TV show from 18 years ago. See?” said Smith, “I knew Balki was about to do that. God, why doesn’t my memory have an erase button?”
The Brick Testament website has been updated today with four new stories which mark the official launch of its illustration of the biblical book of Judges. While you may not currently be familiar with the twelve heroic judges who rose up to guide the Israelites through their troubled years before the establishment of the monarchy (as opposed to their troubled years in Egyptian slavery, their troubled years wandering in the desert, and their very troubled years after the monarchy), I think you will find that each story from the book of Judges has some very, very special to teach us all.
Rev. Smith spent several hours this morning watching a pot full of water on his stove to see if it would begin to boil while under his observation. “I put the water on the stove at 7:14 AM,” said Smith. “I then watched and waited. Normally when I put water on to boil, it takes five to seven minutes maximum. But two and a half hours later, this water still had failed to boil under my watch.” At 11:28 AM Smith made a startling discovery: “I had forgotten to turn the burner on.” Smith proceeded to set the burner on high and resumed his observation, but after answering a phone call in an adjacent room, Smith returned to find that the water had begun boiling during his absence.
After months growing concern, President Bush made public today his pledged to “get America funky again” by taking steps to combat this country’s lack of a national dance craze. “While previous generations have been comforted by the Charleston, the Twist, the Shuffle, the Robot, the Electric Slide, and the Lambada,” said Bush, “America has gone without since the loss of the Macarena in 1999. The time to act on this is now. I have sent members of the CIA to countries in South America, Africa, the Middle East, to infiltrate local dance cultures and report back directly to me.” Until a new dance craze is discovered and popularized, Bush has proposed mandatory use of the Hokey-Pokey at all dance clubs and weddings for the time being.
At a press conference from his hospital bed this morning, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith announced that he has been diagnosed him with pugilism. “I can fight this,” said Smith.