Archive for October, 2004

The Brick Testament: massacres galore!

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

What better way to get yourself into the Halloween spirit than to check out the five latest illustrated Bible stories on The Brick Testament, depicting Joshua and the Israelites’ spoooooky ethnic cleansing of the holy land? Included are “Gibeonites Enslaved”, “Amorite Coalition Massacred”, “Executed Kings Hung on Display”, “Seven Kingdoms Massacred”, and of course, “Twenty-Two Kingdoms Massacred”. Happy Halloween from all of us at The Brick Testament!

Campaign rhetoric heats up

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

With just thirteen days to go before the election, rivals George W. Bush and John Kerry are ratcheting up their campaign rhetoric. “My opponent,” said Bush at rally in New Mexico on Sunday, “is a weak-willed coward. What we in Texas would call a ‘pansy’,” while Kerry told voters in Ohio, “The president has completely fucked-over the middle class. He knows it, and he’s laughing about it.” Bush, in Pennsylvania announced this morning, “Look, you are either against the terrorists or you’re with them. Do you really want to put a terrorist in the White House?” Kerry responded at a rally in Florida, “George W. Bush is an asshole, and everyone knows it. And he’s smug about it, too. He’s a smug asshole.”

Gibeonites Enslaved, Amorites Massacred

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

It sounds like a headline right off today’s front pages, but it’s not. It’s actually the title of the latest update to Rev. Smith’s Brick Testament website where three new illustrated stories have been put online today, further documenting the ancient Israelites’ God-mandated ruthless slaughter of their neighboring peoples as recorded in the Bible’s book of Joshua. It’s heartwarming stuff, so grab a blanket, make yourself some hot chocolate, and then curl up next to the computer screen for some quality spiritual edutainment. Or just go watch some TV. Your call.

Smith undergoes elective surgery

Wednesday, October 13th, 2004

Though not suffering from any life-threatening condition, nor looking to alter his cosmetic appearance, Rev. Smith spent the day in the hospital undergoing elective surgery. “I don’t know, just open me up, shift some stuff around, sew me back up,” said Smith to team of doctors, “I’m really just looking to get my money’s worth here.” Smith made his unusual request after discovering that his health care plan covers up to $16,000 of medical surgery per year. “I’d feel sort of ripped off if I didn’t use that money,” said Smith, shortly before going under general anesthesia. Following his two-day recovery from the surgery, Smith also plans to review his dental and life insurance policies.

Electronic voting machines to work “as planned”

Monday, October 4th, 2004

In an attempt to assuage the growing fears of wide-scale election fraud from the use of electronic voting machines that provide no paper trail, staunch Bush supporter and CEO of Diebold Inc, Walden O’Dell, whose comapny’s paperless voting machines will be used by more than 8 million voters, made a statement today, assuring Americans that his company’s machines will function “exactly as planned”. “Any hackers hoping to tamper with these machines will be frustrated,” announced O’Dell. “On Novermber 2nd, each machine will count every single vote exactly as it has been prgrammed to.” O’Dell went on to say that his voting machines will function so flawlessly that he believes Bush will mandate their use at all polling stations by the end of his second term as president.