George Bush today officially ceded victory to the terrorists. “Look at us,” said Bush, “paranoid, hassling grandmothers at airports, randomly checking for dirty bombs in major cities. Clearly, life has never gone ‘back to normal’ since 9/11, and so I hereby announce a unilateral surrender. The terrorists have truly already won.” Transfer of power will take place over the coming weeks, with Osama Bin Laden ready to take control of the new regime. A newly freed Saddam Hussein is expected to be tapped as his second-in-command, and the nation to be redubbed the United States of Al Qaeda.