Archive for January, 2004

The Brick Testament: reinforcements on the way

Saturday, January 31st, 2004

More copies of Rev. Smith’s hit book The Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis arrived in the US today from an overseas printer, and should be replenishing retail stores soon. This second printing brings the total number of copies of Smith’s book in print to 22,500. News of the new batch came as a relief to many frantic booksellers who have been sold out of the book for weeks. “For Christ’s sake, we’re dying over here!” exclaimed one unnamed book store owner via phone from Portland, OR, “Get those books over here before the whole place is overrun!” He later called back to add, “too late!!!”

Gillette unveils 32-blade razor

Monday, January 26th, 2004

Upping the ante in the ongoing “razor war” between industry giants Gillette and Schick, the Gillette Shaving Co. today unveiled their latest product, a 32-blade disposable shaver. The new Gillette Shavinator™ provides “a maximum shave” says the company’s press release, and arrives in stores this week, a mere two months after the introduction of Schick’s 16-razor UltraBlade™. Already under development by Schick is a highly experimental 64-blade disposal razor currently code named “commodore”. Many experts believe that shaving technology will continue to double the amount of blades per shaving device every four months until at least 2011.

American politics explained

Sunday, January 18th, 2004

At the start of another presidential election year here in the US, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith once again offers his brief guide to America’s major political parties. Feel free to print this guide and take it with you to the voting booth:

  • The Democratic Party is in favor of democracy.
  • The Republican Party is in favor of republics.
  • The Independent Party is in favor of independence from Great Britain.
  • The Green Party is in favor of the color green.

Hooked on trimethylxanthine

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

Rev. Smith today confirmed rumors that he is hooked on a drug called trimethylxanthine (or “tri” as it is known on the street). An addictive stimulant, trimethylxanthine affects the brain using the same mechanisms as cocaine and heroin. In its pure form, trimethylxanthine is a white crystalline powder, but is usually ingested into the body in the form of a heated black liquid or a syrupy confectionary beverage. It is believed that as much as 90% of Americans use “tri” on a daily basis, and 50% ingest at least 300mg per day. Like many, Smith says he is at a point where he can “barely function without it”. Smith currently has no plans to seek help concerning his addiction. More information on trimethylxanthine can be found here.

The Brick Testament sells out

Friday, January 9th, 2004

Whoever accused The Brick Testament of selling out was totally right. Rev. Smith’s book, which received a flood of press coverage just before the winter holidays, has become exceedingly hard to find. While sites like Amazon and await the arrival of a second printing due sometime this month, impatient consumers have scoured brick and mortar stores, searching for the last few copies left on shelves. The scarcity has driven up prices on the second hand market, with the book now going for as much as $24.56 on and $43.96 on Amazon.

Terrorists win

Monday, January 5th, 2004

George Bush today officially ceded victory to the terrorists. “Look at us,” said Bush, “paranoid, hassling grandmothers at airports, randomly checking for dirty bombs in major cities. Clearly, life has never gone ‘back to normal’ since 9/11, and so I hereby announce a unilateral surrender. The terrorists have truly already won.” Transfer of power will take place over the coming weeks, with Osama Bin Laden ready to take control of the new regime. A newly freed Saddam Hussein is expected to be tapped as his second-in-command, and the nation to be redubbed the United States of Al Qaeda.