Sunday, November 9th, 2003 - 12:20 pm PST

Following Smith’s unexplained violent outburst last week in which he unceremoniously fired his entire personal staff, Smith today announced that he is commencing a round of upsizing. In particular, Smith is seeking to find replacements to fill the positions of Advisor, Stylist, Accounts Receivable Manager, and Personal Bathroom Attendant. All resumés should be a minimum of four pages, double-spaced, and must include a recent laminated photo. Four years experience preferred. Leave all submissions with Smith’s personal secretary at the front desk.