Smith to rule with iron fist

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003 - 12:40 pm PDT

A finely sculpted fist made of pure iron was affixed to Rev. Smith’s wrist this morning, and by mid-afternoon Smith held a press conference announcing his plans to dominate the Earth. “Bow down to me,” barked Smith into a faulty megaphone as a small group of local news reporters and indigents looked on, “or face the awesome power of my fist!” Smith then demonstrated his newfound strength by placing an empty soda can atop the podium and flattening it. The podium then collapsed and it was revealed that Smith was not wearing pants. After an uncomfortable moment of silence, Smith sneezed and accidentally knocked himself out cold while trying to cover his nose.