Rev. Smith’s hand was restored today after he had been without it for nearly three weeks. “It’s still a little bit tender,” said Smith, holding up his newly-restored hand. “I can’t really grasp things with it just yet, but I think that will come in time.” After giving up on tracking down his original severed hand, Smith was briefly depressed until the other night when he was watching reruns of Family Ties on late night TV and happened to see an add for Nivea Hand Restoring Creme. “This stuff is amazing,” said Smith. “In little over 24 hours, my hand is almost completely restored!”
Archive for October, 2003
Deciding that he just can’t feel like a complete man without his right hand, Smith set out this week to re-acquire his missing appendage. At first overjoyed when an anonymous e-mail informant tipped him off that his hand was up for sale on eBay, Smith’s hopes were crushed when a last minute bidding war drove the price way out of his range. “$429,572?” exclaimed Smith, “I’ve never even seen that kind of money!” Smith briefly considered hacking off his left leg and selling it to finance the purchase of his hand, but worried he might later regret that decision.
The latest issue of Stuff magazine features a recommendation for The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s The Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis. Find it in the “Stuff picks” section on page 34 of the print magazine, or see it on the corresponding page of the Stuffmagazine.com website, just under the recommendations for the “boob scarf” and the ubiquitous Mr. Colon™.
A finely sculpted fist made of pure iron was affixed to Rev. Smith’s wrist this morning, and by mid-afternoon Smith held a press conference announcing his plans to dominate the Earth. “Bow down to me,” barked Smith into a faulty megaphone as a small group of local news reporters and indigents looked on, “or face the awesome power of my fist!” Smith then demonstrated his newfound strength by placing an empty soda can atop the podium and flattening it. The podium then collapsed and it was revealed that Smith was not wearing pants. After an uncomfortable moment of silence, Smith sneezed and accidentally knocked himself out cold while trying to cover his nose.
Rev. Smith went shopping today for a hook to replace his recently amputated right hand. “Does this hook make me look fat?” Smith was overheard asking fellow shoppers while trying on hook after hook at McAllister’s on 4th Street. Smith ended up forgoing the swankier models for an inexpensive plastic hook that came as part of a Halloween pirate ensemble. “I don’t plan on wearing the eye patch or the plastic parrot on my shoulder too often,” said Smith. “But that puffy shirt is right up my alley.” Smith then sneezed and accidentally hooked himself in the nose while trying to cover it up.
Worshipped as a saint even before his death, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith and his various body parts have long been the subject of interest by those who traffic in holy relics. Finding himself in the grasp of a severe financial bind recently, Smith decided to “cash in one of his chips early” by selling his right hand to the highest bidder. “I’m really going to miss that hand,” said Smith wistfully after lopping it off with a hand axe, “but hey, $372,000 is nothing to sneeze at.”
“An astounding artistic achievment…by a truly enlightened soul” says reviewer Kevin Hunsanger of Green Apple Books in San Francisco, regarding Rev. Smith’s The Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis. Hunsanger was a special guest on the Bay Area’s KFOG radio this morning, and reviewed many new book releases, but “saved the best for last” with his praise of Smith’s book. KFOG is the Bay Area’s “World Class Rock” and can be heard at 104.5 in San Francisco and 97.7 in San Jose.
Rev. Smith won a race today in record time. “This was an impressive performance,” said Smith’s coach, “I really didn’t think he had it in him.” Others agreed: “I don’t know how he pulled it off,” said a friend, “I’ve never considered Smith particularly ‘fast’.” Many had discounted Smith’s chances before the race even began, due to his unspecified injury. “That injury really looked like it was bothering him at first,” noted one spectator, “but he just took off.” As of press time the nature of this race remained unclear.