Archive for August, 2003

Laughter not the best medicine

Friday, August 29th, 2003

Contrary to the age-old bit of folk wisdom, an extensive new scientific study by the Merck corporation strongly suggests that laughter is not the best medicine. In thousands upon thousands of test cases, laughter was shown to have a 100% failure rate in curing viral and bacterial-based infections and disease. Among those in very fragile condition, laughter actually had notably negative consequences, in some cases causing patients to spit up blood or lose consciousness. With the success of this new study, Merck is currently looking for volunteer patients to help test the theory that “time heals all wounds”.

Smith mentally challenged

Monday, August 25th, 2003

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was in poor spirits today after a series of mental challenges left him mentally challenged. It all started when longtime friend and associate Mark Pilloff walked in the room and began rattling off a series of riddles, logic puzzles, and brain teasers. Smith struggled to come up with the correct answer to several of them before finally giving up in exasperation. “Fourteen?” laughed Pilloff derisively at one point. “Try a hundred and forty-two!” Smith sighed, slumped in his chair, and massaged his aching temples.

Rape, infidelity, and defecation

Thursday, August 21st, 2003

The Brick Testament updates today with seven new illustrated stories from The Law section of the Old Testament. Learn what God almighty has to say on the subject of rape, the proper treatment of prisoners of war, how to handle jealousy in marriage, how to differentiate baldness from scalp disease, and where to take a shit while at war. The latest stories are here.

Frolic injury

Sunday, August 17th, 2003

Rev. Smith suffered a sprained ankle and bruised forehead this morning after frolicking with friends in a dewy meadow. Smiles turned to frowns as Smith accidentally collided with a fellow merry-maker and then stumbled to the ground. The National Safety Council recommends that frolickers wear safety helmets, goggles, and paded clothing. It is not believed that Smith was wearing any protective gear at the time of his injury. Doctors had previously recommended frolicking to Rev. Smith as a way to calm down after an incident last month when Smith pulled a muscle in his arm while angrily shaking it at passers-by.

National deli sandwich month

Tuesday, August 12th, 2003

Everyone knows that February is Black History month, but did you know that the entire month of August has also been set aside as a time of reflection and celebration? Whether you’re black, white, Latino, or Asian / Pacific-Islander, it’s time to break out the corned beef, pastrami, olive loaf, bacon, salami, turkey, honey ham, roast beef, prosciutto, mortadella, lettuce, tomatoes, swiss cheese, mayonnaise, and pickles, because the people of the Sara Lee corporation have brought to our attention that this is National Deli Sandwich month. Show your support!

Smith makes himself scarce

Monday, August 4th, 2003

In a desperate attempt to increase his personal net worth, Rev. Smith is applying the law of supply-and-demand to his own benefit by cutting short the supply of himself to the world. “The latest reports indicate that demand for The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is at an all-time low,” said Smith’s financial advisor H. Larry Whittaker, “but by making the supply of himself dwindle in proportion to that demand, Smith’s value can be maintained and could actually increase.” Financial experts have expressed their doubts that Smith’s desperate ploy will succeed. “Tony Danza attempted this same move in the wake of The Tony Danza show,” noted analyst Martin Vaughn. “and now America has forever lost one of its great comic voices.”