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July « 2003 « The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith

Archive for July, 2003

Abort, retry, fail

Wednesday, July 30th, 2003

Over the course of a single evening, Rev. Smith faced frustration when his efforts were aborted, retried, and ultimately failed. “I booted up to go run at about 7:30pm,” reported Smith. “But I quickly found that there were too many bugs, so I had no choice but to abort.” Then after a quick application of Bug-Fix®, Smith retried. But twenty minutes later, he failed when his whole system crashed. “I didn’t see that wall,” said Smith, “but there it was.” The crash was severe enough that Smith would have had to boot-up all over again, but instead he decided to just shut down for the night and restart tomorrow.

Smith goes to the bathroom

Saturday, July 26th, 2003

Reports indicate that Rev. Smith went to the bathroom of his suburban home at approximately 10pm last night. Smith later denied those reports. “Yes, I went to the bathroom last night, but I didn’t go to the bathroom,” said Smith. Asked why and how it is even possible that he could go to the bathroom without going to the bathroom, a frustrated and slightly flustered Smith replied that he went to the bathroom last night to brush his teeth, and that he didn’t really need to go to the bathroom, because he had already gone to the bathroom out in the woods on the way home. Experts view Smith’s story as skeptical at best now that an extensive search has turned up no evidence of a supposed bathroom located “in the woods”.

Sexual discharges and more

Thursday, July 17th, 2003

The Brick Testament updates today with more illustrated stories from The Law section of the Bible. Come and learn what God almighty has to say about such controversial topics as menstruation, homosexuality, cross-dressing, bestiality, and getting ejaculate on your clothes. For only by knowing God’s laws can we hope to put them into practice in our own lives. Amen.

Smith nearly comatose for 8 hours

Sunday, July 13th, 2003

Friends and relatives were alarmed last night when Rev. Smith slipped into what they described as an “almost comatose” state for just under 8 hours, from midnight to 8am. “He was just lying there,” said his concerned mother, “his eyes were shut, his breathing slow, and he had a little stream of drool at the corner of his mouth.” Doctors believe Smith will likely suffer no permanent brain damage, but are at a loss as to explain the cause. Before the event, Smith reported feeling “sleepy”, but otherwise appeared to be in perfect health.

All bets are off

Wednesday, July 9th, 2003

In light of the unexpected late-breaking news, officials declared today that “all bets are off.” According to the statement, all bets placed on or before July 9, 2003, are henceforth to be considered null and void. New bets, those placed starting on or after July 10, 2003, will be honored in full. This ruling covers all bets and wagers of any sort, both so-called “gentlemen’s bets”, and those in which money or other things of value are at stake.

Rev. Smith graces cover of The Door

Saturday, July 5th, 2003

Religious satire magazine The Door has sunk to new lows this month, putting The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith on the cover of its July-August 2003 issue. “When a magazine throws some sex symbol on the cover just to sell a few extra magazines, it’s despicable,” noted longtime reader Anne O’Connor. “I mean, really, what does Brendan Powell Smith have to do with religious satire?” Those who would like to make up their on minds can find the seven page interview (with an accompanying 12-image pictorial) in the magazine section of most major booksellers, or can read it online at the magazine’s website.

Honoring America

Friday, July 4th, 2003

Rev. Smith took time out of his busy schedule today to honor the anniversary of America’s independence from Great Britain. Waving a burning union jack flag, Smith was heard to chant “Tony Blair is the Great Satan”. He later made a cup of tea and then immediately poured it down the toilet. “God bless America,” said Smith.