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May « 2003 « The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith

Archive for May, 2003

Alien race mulls over US invasion

Wednesday, May 28th, 2003

The leaders of Kardaki 7 continue to mull over a possible invasion of the United States. Several reasons for such an invasion have been put forth: the US is seen as a threat to the security of others; the US’s recent unlawful invasion and occupation of Iraq; the US’s massive stockpile of weapons of mass destruction; and the Bush regime, which came into power through non-democratic means and waged a war not supported by its citizens. A US invasion would pose little risk to the armies of Kardaki 7 whose military might dwarfs that of the US. It is believed that such an invasion and occupation, though mainly targeting military structures, would result in the loss of life of thousands if not millions of US citizens.

Moses is dead

Sunday, May 25th, 2003

The illustrated saga of the Israelites’ epic journey through the Wilderness comes to a close today with four new stories now online at The Brick Testament. See as Moses, God’s ever-faithful servant, delivers some tender final instructions to his people before God makes the 120-year old man climb a tall mountain and view the bountiful promised land that he will never ever be allowed to enter. Then he dies.

Kids say some fucked-up shit

Sunday, May 18th, 2003

“The Passover Easter Bunny’s a, um, chicken,” says Maya, age three and a half, “and he lays hot dogs.” This is but one example of the crazy fucked-up shit you’ll get to hear kids say on the new Fox Family TV show Rev. Smith will be hosting next fall called Kids Say Some Fucked-Up Shit. “I don’t really like kids much,” says Smith. “They’re whiny, annoying, selfish, and manipulative little brats. But once in a while they just blurt out some crazy fucked-up shit that catches you off-guard and cracks you up.” The half-hour show promises to be chock full of several such moments caught on film.

Party time

Monday, May 12th, 2003

“The time to party has come,” announced a Rev. Smith today through a megaphone, from atop a makeshift platform, to a crowded gathering of college-age students at a local beach, many of whom were decked out in little more than bikinis and swim trunks, and several of whom had brought surf boards, coolers full of alcoholic beverages, beach vollyball kits, boomboxes, and plently of sun tan oil, intending to enjoy another beautiful day under the California sun. “And gone,” added Smith dolefully. “Please collect your belongings and remove yourselves from the beach immediatley.”

Of snakes, massacres, and talking donkeys

Friday, May 9th, 2003

The Brick Testament updates today with six brand new illustrated Bible stories documenting the continuing saga of the Israelites on their harrowing journey through the Wilderness. Join in on the fun as God slaughters his own chosen people and then helps them slaughter other peoples. A good time is guaranteed for all. (Under 18 not admitted without parent or legal guardian.)

Smith earns extra life

Monday, May 5th, 2003

God granted Rev. Smith and extra life today when Smith redeemed 100 gold coins that he had collected during his recent travels. “Those last few coins were really hard to find,” noted Smith as he wiped sweat from his brow, “they were really hidden well.” Smith went on to say that without having temporarily doubled in size after eating a giant mushroom, he wouldn’t have made it past the Hammer Brothers. Smith says he isn’t sure yet how he plans to spend his extra life, but says that knowing it’s there makes him much less fearful of death during this lifetime.