Bush to fix economy with start of new war

Saturday, March 15th, 2003 - 5:12 pm PST

US President George W. Bush today revealed that over the past six months he has been secretly investing billions and billions of taxpayer dollars into gambling on the precise date the war on Iraq will begin. Having used hundreds of trusted private citizens as proxies to place thousands upon thousands of separate bets with Internet-based gambling agencies and private bookies, Bush declared that when US planes begin bombing the bajeezus out of Iraq and its citizens in the upcoming weeks, “everybody wins.”