Smith denies drug use

Friday, February 14th, 2003 - 11:19 pm PST

At a hastily organized press conference today, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith vehemently denied recent charges of drug use. “I am not now, and have never been a user of drugs,” stated Smith. He categorically denied having ever tried even such socially acceptable drugs as caffeine or ibuprofen, and when pressed further, Smith cast doubt on the assertion that drugs even exist, arguing the the entire concept of drugs contains logical fallacies that can be known a priori to prohibit their actual existence, much less preclude the possibility of his use or abuse such imaginary substances.