Archive for November, 2002

Turkey Day

Thursday, November 28th, 2002

Across the world today, man celebrates his prehistoric victory over turkeys by taking part in the annual family ritual of catching a turkey, cooking it, stuffing it with savory delights, and then devouring it until there is nothing left but bones. But Rev. Smith attempts recapture some of the thrill man’s original prehistoric glory by waking up early and wrestling a full-grown male turkey at the crack of dawn and then devouring it live. There are some who would call this ritual barbaric and cruel, but for Smith it is a deeply symbolic act, fraught with profound emotion and a grim sense of duty. Asked what he would do if one day the turkey was the victor in the wresting match, Smith shuddered and said, “I hadn’t really stopped to consider that.”

The Brick Testament parts the Red Sea

Friday, November 22nd, 2002

The illustrated Exodus saga continues today with five brand new stories now online at See manna fall from the sky! Watch as water pours from solid rock! And behold as a great sea splits in two, only to to collapse back on itself, killing thousands. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to buy your loved ones an official Brick Testament LEGO Holy Trinity — while supplies last!

Interior designer redesigns Smith’s interiors

Monday, November 18th, 2002

Citing a need to “shake thing up a little bit”, Rev. Smith this week hired renown European interior designer Hans Dübeck to redesign his interiors. After six days of intense work the task was complete. “It’s not exactly what I expected,” commented Smith, whose pancreas, liver, left lung, and gall bladder were removed by Dübeck “to create more space”. “But I guess I can sort of get used to it,” said Smith, the location of whose brain and small instestine has been swapped. “I guess,” added Smith before collapsing.

Smith attends Danza funeral

Thursday, November 14th, 2002

It was a solemn occasion this morning as Rev. Smith attended the funeral of longtime friend and associate Tony Danza who was killed earlier this week in an apparent terrorist attack on the Danza compound in Tarzana, CA. “We didn’t always see eye-to-eye on every issue,” said Smith who had a major falling out with the former star of Who’s the Boss? and The Tony Danza Show a couple of years back, “but Tony was an extraordinary man, both on and off screen.” After delivering a short eulogy to his departed friend, Smith tore his clothes, put ash on his head and wore sackcloth for the rest of the day.

Fictitious fortune

Sunday, November 10th, 2002

Going into business with his imaginary friend last February 31st, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith established a fictitious business entitled Ephemeral Dreams, Incorporeal. The company became an immediate success in the mind of its owner, providing highly sought after fictitious goods and services to a fictitious clientele across the globe. Smith made his initial fortune after this summer’s Imaginary Public Offering, and amassed even more fantastic wealth when he recently sold the company to Gill Bates in a stock swap valued by Smith at nearly $3.43 billion.