Archive for September, 2002

Balls

Friday, September 27th, 2002

Rev. Smith proved he could play hardball this week when in a balls-out move he pushed himself balls to the wall even when it was cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. “Smith was really on the ball from square one,” said spectator Bill Bollingsworth, “he got the ball rolling when he announced he could hold his own against all comers. He almost dropped the ball at one point when he lost his bearing, but then when he turned it around, I almost balled.” Added Bollingsworth: “That sort of thing takes balls of steel. I’d give my left nut for balls like that.”

Glass ceiling

Tuesday, September 24th, 2002

For the fourth time in as many days, Rev. Smith whacked his head on the glass ceiling of his apartment. “Dammit!” shouted Smith, rubbing his head. “I knew I should have installed these things higher.” Smith installed the transparent ceilings throughout his apartment last week, thinking it would be a cool way to display things overhead. “I thought it might be a cool to way to show off my Jones Soda collection or all my old Star Wars figures,” said Smith, “but instead I just keep whacking my head into it.”

Smith takes job, shoves it

Sunday, September 15th, 2002

Running low on funds, Rev. Smith took a job this week at Kentucky Fried Owl. After a two-day training period, Smith began his position as vice president in charge of fries. After only three days on the job, however, Smith decided that $4.30 per hour was not nearly enough compensate for the grueling work schedule, patronizing treatment from upper management, and backbreaking labor, not to mention the constant stench of fried owls. Having made up his mind, Smith took the job and shoved it right up his ass.

Small 9/11 tribute

Tuesday, September 10th, 2002

In remembrance of the terrible event which changed America, Rev. Smith today made a small gesture to the brave souls who lost their lives on September 11, 2001, by playing the numbers 9-1-1 in the New York State Lottery. “It’s not much, I admit,” said Smith, “but the proceeds of this lottery go to fund schools in New York state. That’s helping kids, some of whom are no doubt victims of that tragic event of one year ago tomorrow. And that’s important to me.” Should those numbers happen to be drawn, Smith stands to win up to $2,607,250.

Smith celebrates umpteenth birthday

Saturday, September 7th, 2002

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith celebrated his umpteenth birthday today with a small gathering of his closest celebrity friends. “Friends,” said Smith, “ten years ago, if you had told me I would even live to see my umpteenth birthday, I would have kicked you in the shins and told you you were crazy. But now that I stand here amongst you, barely kept alive by these two breathing mechanisms they call ‘lungs’, I know for the first time in my life just what it feels like to be umpteen. Thank you, and goodnight.”

The Exodus begins

Wednesday, September 4th, 2002

The Brick Testament is pleased to announce its continued illustration of The Bible in LEGO with four new stories from the book of Exodus. In addition, available for the first time ever is The Brick Testament’s only merchandise made entirely out of LEGO bricks: The Holy Trinity. Get Jesus, God, and The Holy Ghost cast in LEGO, exactly as they appear in stories from The Brick Testament. Supplies of this set are limited, so order yours today.