The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today became the proud owner of an abandoned brick shithouse. The historic landmark was the first of its kind in California when it was originally built in 1847, and saw extensive use during the Mexican-American war. “It’s a bit of a fixer-upper I’ll admit,” said Smith “but if no one bought it, the town was just going to tear it down and put in a Starbucks. So I ask you: what would you rather have in your town, a brick shithouse or another Starbucks?”
Archive for August, 2002
After dealing him a harsh series of recent blows, Rev. Smith’s hard luck continued this week when on Friday life gave him lemons. Hoping to make the best of a bad situation, Smith used the lemons to make lemonade. His plans backfired however, when upon tasting the lemonade, he found that it was rancid. Spitting out the lemonade in disgust, Smith turned to go to the bathroom, but slipped over the spit-up lemonade and fell flat on his ass.
A broad coalition of nations today announced plans topple the current US government which is widely believed to be stockpiling weapons of mass destruction. “This evil regime must be brought down,” said Dutch prime minister Wim Kok, “even if that means resorting to military force.” The coalition is planning a campaign of air strikes against US missile factories and nuclear weapon silos. This could then be followed by months of bombing raids aimed at key military and infrastructure targets, with a final invasion planned for early 2003. “The US has these weapons, and has proven itself capable of using them,” noted prime minister Junichiro Koizumi of Japan. “They must be stopped.”
Defying death, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today jumped out of an passenger airplane without so much as a parachute. “It was the thrill of a lifetime,” commented Smith later on his foolhardy act of insane bravado, “I don’t think I’d ever do it again, and I’m very glad to be alive, but it sure was a hell of a rush!” After sailing through the air, Smith landed on his own two feet without so much as toppling to one side or the other. He then walked away without injury. Experts believe Smith was able to survive such a jump unharmed only because the plane was grounded, docked, and not moving at the time.
In an attempt to bring attention to the plight of hunger strikers throughout the world, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today went on a hunger strike. “How can I eat food while the hunger strikers of the world go hungry?” asked Smith. “I cannot sit idly by as my fellow strikers are allowed to starve themselves away to nothingness. Self-imposed hunger is not a problem that will go away on its own.” Smith’s strike ended later in the day when he “got so hungry [he] couldn’t take it anymore” and ordered two pizzas which he devoured by himself. “I strongly urge all hunger strikers to do the same,” said Smith, wiping tomato sauce off of his chin.
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith issued a strong warning today, saying he will brook no aggression from what he termed the ‘forces of evil’. This new warning comes on the heels of Smith’s pronouncement last week against the ‘axis of evil’ which he identified as consisting of Iraq, North Korea, the Canadian province of Saskatchewan, and Switzerland. Particularly concerned about the Swiss, Smith has taken to wearing heavy vest which he claims is “virtually army-knife proof”.
There was rejoicing in the streets today accompanying Rev. Smith’s announcement that the BRAD: the game website is back online. The twelve-minute televised announcement was simulcast to over eight countries, and culminated in a surprise guest appearance by Webster himself, who gave Brad a tremendous hi-five, then apparently stormed off the stage in a huff. It is reported that Webster was paid $1,200 for his seven-second appearance.
Can you believe these guys? Homosexual men are so totally gay! I was visiting San Francisco last weekend, and I saw two guys kissing right out in in public. That’s gay! And what’s with these male-male couples forming committed relationships? I mean, how gay is that? And when I think about what must go on their bedrooms, I mean, I’m not one to judge or anything, but really! Could these homosexuals be any more gay?