After polishing up an old lamp in his attic, Rev. Smith was briefly stricken this week with a condition known in medical circles as “the Midas touch” in which everything the sufferer touches turns instantly into pure gold. A boon to the victim at first, the condition generally has unforeseen catastrophic consequences. Within minutes after being stricken Smith had become the world’s richest man, but by the end of the second day, Smith had touched so many things that gold itself became massively devalued, becoming worth less than aluminum foil. Smith was miraculously cured from the condition after drinking a can of OK Soda.