Archive for June, 2002

Smith falls of face of Earth

Friday, June 28th, 2002

Whilst out for a routine stroll around the block this morning, Rev. Smith accidentally tripped on a discarded fax machine and went tumbling right off the face of the Earth. This is the third time such an event has happened to him this week and scientists are working around the clock to understand why it is that gravity does not appear to be holding Smith down as well as it should, but so far have made little progress. In the meantime they are urging Smith to put on an extra 50 to 60 lbs. to keep himself a little better anchored.

The Pledge of Allegiance debate resolved

Sunday, June 23rd, 2002

The uproar caused this week by a federal court’s ruling that the words “under God” make the reciting of the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools unconstitutional was finally laid to rest today with Rev. Smith’s elegant solution to the problem. Congress is widely expected to quickly pass a resolution in support of Smith’s proposal that the words “or not” be inserted into the pledge just after “under God” in order to please both sides of the debate. Smith’s further proposal that “or not” also be added after the word “indivisible” was resolutely rejected as too goddamn wishy-washy.

The Midas touch

Saturday, June 15th, 2002

After polishing up an old lamp in his attic, Rev. Smith was briefly stricken this week with a condition known in medical circles as “the Midas touch” in which everything the sufferer touches turns instantly into pure gold. A boon to the victim at first, the condition generally has unforeseen catastrophic consequences. Within minutes after being stricken Smith had become the world’s richest man, but by the end of the second day, Smith had touched so many things that gold itself became massively devalued, becoming worth less than aluminum foil. Smith was miraculously cured from the condition after drinking a can of OK Soda.

Time magazine features Brick Testament

Tuesday, June 11th, 2002

The current issue of Time magazine includes a small feature on the new popularity of LEGO among adults. Prominently mentioned is The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s The Brick Testament, and the image accompanying the piece is his rendition of The Last Supper in LEGO. The story can be found of page 16 of the 17 June 2002 issue, under the ‘New Trends’ heading, just beneath the story about dogs on prozac.

Pregnant Chelsea

Friday, June 7th, 2002

Several tabloids this week are reporting that former first daughter Chelsea Clinton is secretly pregnant, but the issue which remains unanswered is just whose baby she is carrying. Many were quick to suspect our own Rev. Smith of being the father, despite his claims of having gotten a vasectomy back in 1997 to prevent just such a state of events from ever coming about. Also toward the top of the list of suspects is Chelsea current beau Ian Klaus.

Ego trip

Monday, June 3rd, 2002

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith embarks today on a two week tour of the United States with the sole purpose of boosting his already over-inflated sense of self-worth. At each stop of his journey, Smith will be greeted by throngs of ardent supporters and crowds of screaming fans, eager to sing his praises, and willing to completely overlook his shortcomings. When Smith’s personal doctor warned that such a trip could lead to a potentially fatal case of megalomania, Smith replied, “I could crush you with a flick of my pinky.”