Archive for May, 2002

New look, new stories at Brick Testament

Wednesday, May 29th, 2002

Rev. Smith’s The Brick Testament website was updated today with eight new stories from the Old Testament. Returning visitors will notice the site’s new convenient new layout with stories organized into biblical books, and a “latest additions” link to take you to the newest illustrated stories. Also worth noting is the peppy new Brick Testament logo which you can now find on an assortment of crappy, overpriced merchandise you’re sure to love.

The Brick Testament at a million

Sunday, May 19th, 2002

Just eight months after its launch, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s The Brick Testament website has vaulted past the one million hits milestone by which all websites are judged. “All websites that have not received a million hits are total worthless crap,” announced a spokesperson for Rev. Smith. Fans of the website who gathered this morning outside Smith’s residence in hopes of congratulating him in person were cruelly driven away by men armed with erasable pens.


Wednesday, May 15th, 2002

The statute of limitations for his crimes now expired, Rev. Smith revealed to the press today that he is a former larcenist, having committed many acts of larceny during the years 1996 and 1997. Most of these acts, said Smith, who was unemployed at the time, were to make possible the filming of his 1997 movie Vendetta: A Christmas Story, which has become a much beloved amateur film since its 1999 release on the internet.

Garbanzos on the gazebo

Saturday, May 11th, 2002

Rev. Smith spent the better half of a lazy Saturday morning sitting outside on the gazebo eating garbanzo beans. Around noon he retired to the living room where he ate some gazpacho and pistachios while watching Pinocchio. In the evening he listened to Krokus in his Ford Focus, and when he had had quite enough, he scurried on home for some curried bread crumbs; now he’s sleeping and won’t wake up.

Smith denies being a Honky

Tuesday, May 7th, 2002

Allegations of having spent the early 90s in a white rap group were vehemently denied by Rev. Smith at a press concurrence this morning. For months rumors have circulated that Smith closely resembles The Reverend, a member of the now defunct rap outfit the 3 HONKEES who scored a minor hit in 1992 with their song Kill Da Bitch, but were quickly dismissed after their 1994 movie debut. Repeatedly questioned on the matter, Smith became indignant, asking reporters, “How could I be a honky when I’m albino black?”

You can help suicide bombers

Friday, May 3rd, 2002

After a suicide bomber blows himself up, there is little that anyone can do to help him. But a recent study suggests that most suicide bombers give signs of their impending action before taking it. If someone you know is talking — even joking — about becoming a suicide bomber, take them seriously and try to get them to see a qualified counselor. It is estimated that for every successful suicide bombing reported in the news, there are ten unsuccessful suicide bombing attempts. One in five US adults has considered becoming a suicide bomber at some point in their lives.