Almighty God spoke to The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith last night, instructing him to buy a machine gun and massacre innocent civilians at the local mall. This morning, Smith bought himself a gun and plenty of ammunition. Entering the mall, he took aim at the nearest passerby. As his finger was about to squeeze the trigger, an angel of God spoke, saying, “Brendan, do not harm these people. Now that I see you would do this for me, you shall lead a blessed life.” Smith then saw a deer in a nearby field and shot the bajeezus out of it.