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April « 2002 « The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith

Archive for April, 2002

Smith drunk on own power, booze

Monday, April 29th, 2002

Rev. Smith went mad with power today shortly after being named chairman of the recreation committee for the local home owners association. Wasting no time abusing his newfound powers, Smith commandeered the microphone and ordered the community pool to be filled with Jell-O. Further, he commanded mandatory pink flamingo lawn ornaments for all neighborhood residences. After a loud belch he resigned from office and passed out on the floor.

Pope honors Rev. Smith

Thursday, April 25th, 2002

The pope took time out of his grueling schedule today to honor The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith. Though first noting that he still has “issues” with some of Smith’s LEGO illustrations of The Bible, and making it clear that that he remains “uncomfortable” with Smith’s continued use of the “Reverend” designation without ever having been ordained in by a Christian church, the frail 81-year-old John Paul said he commends Smith for “never having molested little boys — which is more than I can say about some of our most trusted church officers.”

Greased up and ready

Sunday, April 21st, 2002

Word came today that Rev. Smith is fully greased up and “ready for anything”. The news evoked audible sighs of relief from frustrated fans from across the county who have been waiting many long weeks in anticipation. Experts say that Smith’s viscosity is now at an all-time high, and marvel that Smith has been able to garner enough friction to hold still at all. Even the slightest bit of momentum, they warned, could keep Smith in motion for days.

FDA approves Smalpox™

Wednesday, April 17th, 2002

The US Food and Drug Administration gave its official seal of approval today to a product called Smalpox™ which has been shown to effectively eliminate signs of healthy aging, such as wrinkled skin and breathing. The product contains trace amounts of the small pox virus, which causes the user to contract the full-blown disease and die within weeks. Several recent studies have shown a dramatic decrease in wrinkled skin — or any skin at all — among people who had used Smalpox™ for at least six months.

BBC interview postponed

Saturday, April 13th, 2002

The scheduled interview with Rev. Smith on BBC 4 radio has been indefinitely postponed. In its place, will be airing a three part interview with American actor Tony Danza who is to star in a new television remake of the hit British comedy Fawlty Towers. Danza will star in the role made famous by comedian John Cleese. Among other minor changes, the show’s main character’s name has been changed to Basil “Tony” Fawlty. The series premiers next fall on ABC.

Smith talks up Brick Testament on radio

Thursday, April 11th, 2002

Rev. Smith was a guest on Las Vegas radio KSFN this morning, chatting about The Brick Testament with hosts Ken and Jim. Those of you in the UK will get the chance to hear Smith talk with Roger Bolton on BBC 4 radio this Sunday, sometime between 7:10 and 7:55am GMT, and also, those of you in the greater Portland, NH, area, can tune in to WHEB at 9:30am EST on Thursday April 18th to hear Smith on The Morning Buzz show.

God tests Smith

Monday, April 8th, 2002

Almighty God spoke to The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith last night, instructing him to buy a machine gun and massacre innocent civilians at the local mall. This morning, Smith bought himself a gun and plenty of ammunition. Entering the mall, he took aim at the nearest passerby. As his finger was about to squeeze the trigger, an angel of God spoke, saying, “Brendan, do not harm these people. Now that I see you would do this for me, you shall lead a blessed life.” Smith then saw a deer in a nearby field and shot the bajeezus out of it.

Unnecessary surgery

Thursday, April 4th, 2002

Doctors report that Rev. Smith is recovering well from his third round of unnecessary surgery. Concern was raised yesterday when Smith temporarily “flatlined” while a team of doctors attempted to replace Smith’s small intestine and his brain, having previously mixed up the two. Smith entered the hospital’s emergency room on Tuesday with a clean bill of health.

Sodom & Gomorrah

Monday, April 1st, 2002

One of the Bible’s most beloved stories which has touched the souls of millions of believers across the globe, that of Sodom & Gomorrah has now been rendered in LEGO and added to Rev. Smith’s The Brick Testament. Go and see it today or tomorrow you’ll wish you had. Or go see it tomorrow. The choice is yours.