Today’s Easter edition of the London weekly Church Times is running a feature of The Brick Testament. Check page three of this publication, on newsstands today. Later on, check the press page at The Brick Testament to see this and other articles from SPIN magazine and the UK’s Independent on Sunday.
Archive for March, 2002
Seeing its great success with Israel, the United Nations voted overwhelmingly today to create a new nation for the various Native American tribes living in North America. The new nation, known as Homeland, becomes the largest in the world, taking up 98% of the land area of what was once The United States and Canada. The former residents of these two former nations are eligible for free deportation or are welcome two stay in the country, living at designated “reservation” areas in the deserts of Arizona and New Mexico. The near-unanimous UN vote was objected to by only two nations, the US and Canada.
Though never having enlisted nor served his country, the United States military today issued The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith an honorary dishonorable discharge. “For hypothetical acts unbecoming of a soldier of the United States Armed Forces that it is assumed you would have undertaken had you ever been one,” read the engraved inscription on the plaque that was handed to Smith at a brief ceremony at West Point attended by Vice President Dick Cheney and comedian Carrot Top.
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was alarmed today to discover that the crotch section of more than half of his boxer shorts have worn through. “I’ve had most of these for less than a year,” said a confused Smith with a furrowed brow. “Is it the poor quality of the shorts, or do my testicles somehow release some slightly acidic substance that slowly eats through the silk?” Smith shook his head, put on a pair of damaged underwear and continued on with his day.
The phenomenal popularity of Rev. Smith’s The Brick Testament has provided for some wacky incidents of late, the most recent including Smith being mistaken for Jesus Christ almighty by not one, not two, but a hundred and seventy-four different people within the last week. “I don’t see what the confusion is about,” remarked Smith. “I mean, with this beard we look a little alike, but our eye color is totally different.”
After a disastrous attempt at pulling off plan A, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith switched gears today, changing direction 180 degrees, and putting all his remaining effort into a last-ditch attempt at his secondary plan, plan B. “I had sincerely hoped it would not come to this,” said an exhausted Smith as he dropped into an easy chair in his living room and flipped on the TV. “May God have mercy on my soul.”
Rev. Smith’s recent string of bad luck took a decided turn for the worse early this morning when it was reported that after a long night of battling off the marauding hordes, he is now completely out of ammo. “They’re still approaching from the east and northwest,” stated a distraught Smith as he scavenged through the surrounding rubble for something to fashion into a bludgeoning weapon, “must… resort… to… plan… B.”
The following were the contents of the breakfast consumed by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith this morning: Half a dozen eggs, sixteen strips of bacon, a super-sized pot of black coffee, an English muffin, a blueberry muffin, a crumpet, a golden brown Belgian waffle coated in strawberries and whipped cream, twelve slices of toasted bread with butter, a cinnamon bun, two bowls of cereal, and an orange.
Millions of people across the globe are coming together in spirit tonight to pray for the soul of Rev. Smith. “If we don’t pray for this man, who will?” asked Pastor John Thorton of Cloverlake, IN. “Rev. Smith does not realize how special he is in the eyes of God,” stated Vladmir Gorski of St. Petersburg, Russia. “May the mercy of God be with that man tonight,” said Lorraine Dowdy of Blossom, TN, “and may the sweet Lord Jesus keep watch over him through the night.”