Rev. Smith’s secret plot to blow up San Francisco’s Bay Bridge, possibly killing thousands of commuters and causing billions of dollars in damage was prevented today when fractions of a second after he hatching the diabolical plan, Smith thought better of it. “I’d been stuck in bridge traffic for over an hour,” explained Smith, who so far has not been taken into custody, “when this asshole cut me off for no reason. So then this idea flashed through my mind to just blowup this whole godforsaken traffic nightmare. But then, you know, I realized it was just a stupid idea.”
Archive for November, 2001
Rev. Smith’s Brick Testament site updates again today with seven new illustrated stories from the Old Testament, from The Tower of Babel to The Seduction of Lot. Painstakingly hand-crafted by hand, each of these intricately detailed LEGO tableaus represents over 1,200 man-hours of work and are the product of a poorly-paid team of Chinese sweatshop workers under the direction of Rev. Smith. Enjoy.
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith revealed today that he is shit out of luck. “I don’t want to get into the details,” said an exhausted Smith, slumped over a podium and dressed in pajamas, “but suffice it to say recent events have conspired in such a way as to have left me in a state which can best be summed up as ’shit out of luck’.” Asian markets were off 1.7% as investors nervously wait to see what affect Smith’s announcement will have on the US economy.
Due to waning interest, the Major League Baseball Commission has voted to reduce the number of teams in the league to two. The first downsizing of the league since 1898 met with reactions across the country that ranged from mild indifference to lukewarm acceptance. “This will be a real shot in the arm for baseball,” stated Commissioner Lou Grenwall before nodding off. The two remaining teams, the New York Yankees and the Chicago Cubs will face each other 162 times next season and are both heavy favorites to make the play-offs.
Rev. Smith’s first stint as a baby sitter went horribly awry yesterday when he accidentally threw the baby out with the bathwater. “The kid had just pooped himself,” explained a flabbergasted Smith, “so I thought he should have a bath.” Smith did not realize what he had done until hours later when the child’s parents returned home and demanded to see their son. “We searched the whole house and couldn’t find him. Um, oops.”
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith found out second hand today that he was dead at age 73 of lung cancer. Though never having smoked a cigarette in his life, and feeling like he was only 28 years old mere moments ago, Smith nevertheless is now dead according to an article in today’s Los Angeles Times. Asked for his comments on this surprising turn of events, Smith paused to offer his deepest condolences for himself, and then picked up his shovel and resumed digging his own grave.