Rev. Smith plead “no contest” today to charges of petty masonry and possession of an unattainable substance. Menlo Park police officer Art Beetlebaum made the arrest on Tuesday after pulling Smith over for reckless endangerment, having spotted him driving while blindfolded in the parking lot of the local Happy Donuts. A routine search of the car’s trunk turned up six frozen walrus tusks and a 3-liter jug of Ibogaine. Though the evidence is against him, Smith maintains that he is innocent until proven filthy.