Archive for September, 2001

Smith contestant on “Would You Eat That?”

Sunday, September 30th, 2001

This Thursday at 9pm, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith will be a featured guest on the lively new game show “Would You Eat That?”. He is slated to go up against fellow celebrity gusts Matt LeBlanc (Friends) and George Takei (Star Trek) in a no-holds-barred gross-out game of “chicken” hosted by veteran comedy actor Alan Thicke (Thicke of the Night). Smith said he plans on fasting for three straight days before his appearance so that he will be “ready to eat anything.”

Should passengers be armed?

Wednesday, September 26th, 2001

While dismissed as a meritless and even dangerous notion mere weeks ago, the debate over whether airlines should institute a policy of arming all passengers has recently become a hot topic. After the 9/11 attacks, NRA chief Charleton Heston was quick to point out  that “had even one passenger of the hijacked flights been carrying a loaded gun, these tragedies could have been averted.” In Washington, Congress is close to hashing out a compromise bill in which only those passengers flying in the first-class section would be issued handguns for the duration of the flight.

Trip to WTC canceled

Sunday, September 23rd, 2001

Rev. Smith’s scheduled trip to visit the second-tallest buildings in the United States, which he’d been eagerly looking forward to since he bought the plane tickets in mid-July, was officially canceled today. “In light of recent events,” said Smith to confused onlookers, “I have made the decision to call off my planned trip to New York City’s World Trade Center towers.” Smith went on to explain that he was “distraught” by the major airlines’ decision to stop serving in-flight meals, but admitted he would not rule out rescheduling the trip for the near future, traveling instead on a train with a dining car.

Getting back to normal

Monday, September 17th, 2001

Taking the president’s advice, in an effort to show that America’s spirit has not been broken, US citizens across the country are attempting to go about lives as normal in the wake the horrific September 11 terrorist attacks. This effort has been an especially difficult task for the thousands of families who lost loved ones in the attack, as well as for those who made it out alive, but with debilitating burns and injuries. But those who will find the effort most difficult are the some 6,000 people who are now dead.

Real and credible evidence

Friday, September 14th, 2001

At a press conference this afternoon, a spokesperson for The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith revealed that Smith may have been an intended target in Tuesday’s terrorist attacks on the United States. Smith had come under fire by critics recently for spending most of Tuesday hiding under his bed clutching a teddy bear. When asked by reporters how Smith could have been a target in a conspiracy which clearly involved crashing hijacked planes into buildings rather than specific individuals, the spokesperson refused to elaborate, saying only that there was “real and credible” evidence that Smith was indeed a target.

US prepares to bomb Florida

Wednesday, September 12th, 2001

Making good on his promise to “make no distinction between terrorists and the countries that host them”, President Bush is preparing to bomb his own country after an FBI investigation found that the terrorists involved in Tuesday’s attack were trained as pilots in Florida. Further bombing may take place in Hamburg, Germany, where these same terrorists were believed to have been living before that. The president’s brother, Gov. Jeb Bush of Florida pleaded with his own brother to spare his life as he seeks vengeance on his home state. “Make no mistake,” said the president, “we will hunt you down and destroy you. God bless America.”

Bush ready to perpetuate cycle of violence

Wednesday, September 12th, 2001

President Bush went on national television today to assure Americans who have been horrified by recent acts of unspeakable violence that he is fully prepared to continue the cycle of violence by “bombing the shit out of anyone who had anything to do with this.” Bush, an avowed Christian, was then heard to mutter “to hell with ‘turn the other cheek’” as he adopted an “eye-for-an-eye” policy, ready to murder innocent civilians, “just as soon as we settle on a scapegoat nation.”

Smith votes to condemn terrorism

Wednesday, September 12th, 2001

In a historic session, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith voted unanimously today to condemn Tuesday’s terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon in which thousands are believed dead. “Although this was a quickly organized vote, it was by no means a rash decision on my part. Before casting my vote, I believe I took adequate time to fully considered both the pros and cons of a public condemnation of this vicious, vile, and inhuman act.”

Taking it to the next level

Saturday, September 8th, 2001

While most people just talk, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is a man of action. Unafraid of confrontation, and undaunted by continuous public humiliation, he remains cocksure while set against a sea of listless, shiftless, lesser imitations and wanna-be’s. And so now after years of tireless devotion to all that is true, Rev. Smith is ready to take things to the next level. Consider your ass notified.

No contest

Wednesday, September 5th, 2001

Rev. Smith plead “no contest” today to charges of petty masonry and possession of an unattainable substance. Menlo Park police officer Art Beetlebaum made the arrest on Tuesday after pulling Smith over for reckless endangerment, having spotted him driving while blindfolded in the parking lot of the local Happy Donuts. A routine search of the car’s trunk turned up six frozen walrus tusks and a 3-liter jug of Ibogaine. Though the evidence is against him, Smith maintains that he is innocent until proven filthy.

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith disbands

Monday, September 3rd, 2001

Citing “artistic differences”, renown solo musician The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith broke up with himself today, officially ending a three year span which saw the release of two acclaimed albums, IDEAS FOR SONGS and LIFE & DEATH. Smith says he will now focus his efforts on his new band The Human Heads with whom he released the 2000 album here come the heads. Although Smith would not rule out the possibility of a reunion at some point in the future, he deemed such an event “unlikely”.