Archive for August, 2001

Local Man saves the day

Thursday, August 30th, 2001

An elderly couple was in the midst of being mugged by armed hoodlums when, just in the nick of time, Local Man appeared on the scene. “Leave these kind folks alone,” he demanded. Terrified, one thug was heard to say to the other, “Let’s get out of here, it’s Local Man.” Before the night was over, Local Man had rescued a cat stuck in a tree, and thwarted an evil genius’s diabolical plan to blow up the town.

Smith composes shitlist

Sunday, August 26th, 2001

For the first time in his life, Rev. Smith sat down today to compose a shitlist, and ever since the news leaked there has been a flurry of media speculation as to who is and who isn’t on the list. “You can bet Tony Danza is heading up that list,” said Brock Hamilton of TV’s Celebrity Focus, “he hasn’t returned Smith’s phone calls for months now.” Also named as strong candidates for inclusion were: Ben Affleck, Béla Fleck, Patrick Swayze (and entourage), Gordon “Sting” Sumner, Ron Popeil, and master entertainers Siegfried & Roy.

Fear of paranoia

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith has recently been in the grips of an acute and incapacitating fear of paranoia. Afraid to venture outside lest he become convinced that everyone is out to get him, Smith has stayed indoors for the past several days, where he has been too scared to even watch television lest he view a program that would convince him of a grand conspiracy that reaches to the highest levels of trusted authority. Although never having actually experienced paranoia, Smith has deep-seated fears that such an affliction could overtake him at any moment.

Smith shouts own name, doubles in size

Friday, August 17th, 2001

A surprise discovery of a previously unknown superhuman ability was made today when Rev. Smith found that by simply shouting his own name he could suddenly double in size, becoming for a brief period of time a giant of imposing stature. Smith attributes this newfound ability to a distant blood relation to Apache Chief of the Superfriends. One can only speculate as to what great use Smith will put this special talent, or as to why exactly he was shouting his own name in the first place.

The final countdown

Tuesday, August 14th, 2001

Excitement levels reached near hysteria today as crowds everywhere gathered to ready themselves for the final countdown. Unruliness was the order of the day as people pushed and pulled, some climbing atop one another, desperate for a better view. And finally when the designated hour finally approached, a deafening voice was heard above all the chaos: “Ten… nine… eight… seven… six… five… four… three… two… one!” The crowds then quietly dispersed.

Smith, GOD, settle out of court

Saturday, August 11th, 2001

Months, possibly years of lengthy court battles and escalating legal fees were averted today when The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith and GOD settled out-of-court the matter of rights to the universe. The fight began a few weeks back when Smith inadvertently stumbled upon the fact that GOD had never patented the universe, and that it was therefore in the public domain. After securing a patent himself, Smith sued GOD for his ongoing claims of ownership. The amount of the settlement is unknown at this point, but insiders believe that it could be upwards of US$5.

Salt water: too salty

Wednesday, August 8th, 2001

A recent poll reveals that the vast majority of Americans find salt water to be “too salty”. Taking immediate action on the issue, President Bush today announced plans to remove large quantities of salt from the world’s oceans - or at least those which border the US. Noting that the same poll also showed that a significant majority finds the ocean’s waters “too cold”, Bush announced he was looking into long-term plans to heat the world’s ocean waters to “a more reasonable temperature”.

Brainwashed

Sunday, August 5th, 2001

Rev. Smith visited his doctor today for a routine brain washing. “I’m a pretty clean guy,” said Smith, “but there are always those hard-to-reach places which are best left to the experts.” The four hour procedure involved delicately removing the top of Smith’s skull, then using a powerful hose to wash away months of gummy dirt and buildup.”I feel 100% better,” noted Smith shortly afterward, “my head feels really clear now.” After doctors removed Smith’s brain and hand-scrubbed it, it was replaced and dried with high-powered air jets. His next appointment is scheduled for October.

Cure for summertime blues

Thursday, August 2nd, 2001

Though most of the US is suffering through one of the worst heatwaves on record, there is now reason to cheer. After months of diligent laboratory work, Rev. Smith and a team of dedicated scientists have finally found a successful cure for the summertime blues. “For decades now a cure has eluded us,” said Smith at a press conference today, “and for years it seemed are efforts were in vain. But just last week we finally stumbled upon it. As it turns out, the cure for the summertime blues is penicillin.”