Code red

Tuesday, July 10th, 2001 - 7:38 pm PDT

A distraught President Bush put the US armed forces at full alert this evening and declared a Mountain Dew: Code Red emergency. Any vehicles or persons suspected of harboring containers of the new Mountain Dew: Code Red beverage product are to be immediately apprehended, and their soda shipped to Washington for further investigation by a team of specialists headed-up by the president himself.