Archive for July, 2001

Pot luck dinner turns into tragedy

Monday, July 30th, 2001

A pot luck dinner held Tuesday night to benefit Children with Dead Parents quickly went awry when attendee Rev. Smith’s evil twin Nadnerb unexpectedly showed up, challenging Smith to naked limbo contest. When it was revealed that Smith had surreptitiously won the contest by burrowing several feet into the ground, all hell broke loose, and in the resultant 17-car pile up, several monkeys were injured.

Not paying attention again

Thursday, July 26th, 2001

Rev. Smith has just revealed that for the past twenty minutes or so he has been “kind of off in [his] own little world” and “not really paying much attention”. He apologizes, and asks that if anybody said anything particularly worthwhile or interesting during that time, that they please repeat themselves, or at least perhaps summarize their main points, now that you have his full undivided attention.

BRAD: the game 3-D

Wednesday, July 18th, 2001

QuasarSoft announced today their plans to develop a state-of-the-art 3-D video game based on Rev. Smith’s phenomenally popular BRAD: the game. Tentatively titled Quest for Pants, the game will feature all the beloved characters from the classic text-based game, “except now they will move around on your computer screen,” explains lead programmer Michael Baer, “and you’ll be able to shoot them all dead.” The game is slated for a Fall 2004 release.

Code red

Tuesday, July 10th, 2001

A distraught President Bush put the US armed forces at full alert this evening and declared a Mountain Dew: Code Red emergency. Any vehicles or persons suspected of harboring containers of the new Mountain Dew: Code Red beverage product are to be immediately apprehended, and their soda shipped to Washington for further investigation by a team of specialists headed-up by the president himself.

Smith makes acceptance speech

Tuesday, July 10th, 2001

Rev. Smith made a brief acceptance speech today in which he thanked and paid homage to many close friends, relatives, and esteemed role models who have been of incalculable help, support, and inspiration to him over the years. “Without all of you, I would surely not be here today,” said Smith. He then promptly sat back down and continued eating lunch in front of the TV.

Swiss nuked

Saturday, July 7th, 2001

The United States launched a massive nuclear strike against Switzerland today, wiping out most of its population of just over 7 million, and leaving their country a wretched wasteland. Asked by an appalled UN council for the justification for such a brutal attack, president Bush responded, “they was frontin’.” He further urged that all nations of the world think about the fate of the Swiss before ever badmouthing the United States again.

America is #1, baby!

Wednesday, July 4th, 2001

The United States of America celebrated its independence today by issuing a proclamation of superiority to all other nations on earth, issuing an open challenge for any other country who thinks it’s got what it takes to go ahead and “step up to the plate”. “Our capitalist economy will consume you; our TV culture will subsume you; our military will doom you,” gloated president Bush. “Bring it on.”

Chivalry is not dead

Sunday, July 1st, 2001

Proving that the age-old, outdated, sexist notion of chivalry is not quite yet dead, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today gallantly threw down his jacket over a filthy puddle of mud so that his female companion could walk across it without dirtying her shoes. Smith then put his jacket back on and walked through the mud puddle himself before accompanying the woman to a fine French restaurant where they dined on fish eggs twenty-year-old wine.