Gut wrenched

Friday, May 11th, 2001 - 4:51 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is in the hospital today suffering from a wrenched gut, an injury he sustained yesterday morning when he received the news that longtime friend and near-constant companion Chelsea Clinton was not interested in him “in that way”. The injury was compounded when she proceeded to ask him about the availability of an unnamed associate of Rev. Smith named Michael Baer, who is believed to be a fellow student at Stanford, and is indeed available.